Fan Letter

Dear Kenny, I am a powerful Lt. Gov from Illinois and I long to meet you. I have been a huge fan of yours through the years and I now realize the time has come for us to meet.

This is how it should go down. This new years eve you will rent a brown KIA sedona with red leather interior drive it Elk City OK and find the La Quinta Inn off of State Route 43. Please arrive no later than 11:00pm.

You should wear a navy blue tuxedo with a dark green cumber bun and flip flops. No need to bring any food with you I will have plenty of corn dogs and yams for us to gnaw on in between love making sessions. You will need to bring a bottle of Korbel and a gallon of purple stuff for us to drink. I will be in room 543 follow the sent of pine tree and come in the door. I will be playing the Emmanuel Lewis Christmas Cd at a low volume and have the floor sprinkled with sprinkles... you know the kind you put on ice cream. They feel so relaxing while they crunch under your feet. I hope you don't find this letter to forward and I hope you know that if you don't do this I will shave your beard and staple your old face on top of your new plastic face.

with the greatest love and respect
weggy

PS do not wear deodorant

Stuck between Christmas and New Year

Sorry I haven't blogged in a few days but I just got off of my 25th anniversary Christmas Tour. this year was the best. Me and Wilfey had a quite Christmas, Wilfey Over Dosed on hist Diabetes medication and was too out of it to beat me this year. Christmas morning we exchanged gifts. I got Wilfey a Satin Bathrobe with a airbrushed portrait of me on the back. I would like to thank the folks down a Cooters Garage in Gatlinburg for helping me pick out this present. Wilfey got me a subscription to Readers Digest and some frozen Bologna.

I'm looking forward to New Years eve, I will be in Birmingham Al with some good friends and I plan on drinking myslef so silly I will find Wynona Judd attractive again. the first time I dated Wynona we went to the Red Lobster in Franklin TN. We did the all you can eat shrimp dinner, they couldn't bring the Shrimps fast enough so Wynona ate a few starfish right out of the fish tank to keep herself full. Those were the days my friend. I'll never forget the way big Wynona would look into my eyes and tell me that I remind her of her first lover Ed Asner. That was truly a precious moment for me and maybe the first time I felt true love.

Black history month is coming so I need to try and fake my tolerance for other races. this picture should work

always use peanut oil

I was camping in the Smokey Mountains last night with nothing more than a sleeping bag and a 12 pack of mountain dew. There is something about sleeping naked under that stars that makes me feel like a real man, kinda like Jack Palance or a Bruce Villanch. As I lay on top of my sleeping bag in the darkness I heard some rustling in the bushes. I rubbed an empty mountain dew bottle on my beard until the friction caused the plastic to light on fire and act as a torch. As I got closed to the noise part of me was afraid that danger was ahead and another part of me was excited at what i was going to find. I was a little let down that the noise was just a couple of squirrels high fiving each other like on the Geico commercial. I chuckled a little a bit ate a raw pine cone and then I had the best night of sleep ever.

When I got home to Wilfey this morning he wan't pleased with me at all. It was my turn to dry the turkey jerky and he beat me so hard that I will never leave before completing my jerky work. So I am a little bruised up today btu I am also enjoying the wonderful jerky Wilfey made.

Until we meet again my friends.

I had a great weekend

I had some of the old band over to watch 6 Pack on the wide screen last weekend. I know I have done a lot of great things in my life but this movie is my favorite. I don't want to spoil the ending of the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it yet but just be sure to empty your bladder before you sit down to watch this one you won't want to miss one minute of the mayhem.

I do have a little sad news to report my cat Lucille died on Friday night. She picked a fine time to leave this earth, the early reports are suicide but I have a feeling old Wilfy may have been up to his old tricks. You see Wilfy likes to take anything I find precious and rip it from my life. I had a nice framed picture of Roger Rabbit and Wilfy spread and entire bottle of Mayonaisse all over it. I don't know why a cat would kill itself but I hope old Lucille is in a better place now.

On a happy note we did fry up some kitten mcnuggets, I was told never to waste any part of an animal. I would suggest dipping the kitty nuggets in catsup....I don't know how I can joke at a time like this but if we don't laugh sometimes we cry and my tears have an odd way of burning my beard hairs right off of my face.

Until next time my friends

Well it's Friday so that means mustard time

Friday evenings i like to make my own homemade mustard. I get a bag full of mustard seeds from the market, a bottle of vinegar and some secret spices I keep in the back of the tour bus. I like to mash it all up in a blue tupperware bowl that way the mustard looks green when it is perfectly mixed.

After the mustard is ready I like to get a rubber spatula and spread the mustard all over my beard. Once the mustard gets nice and hard in my beard I walk out into the woods and let the grizzly bears like the mustard off of my face. Now I know how a hotdog feels. I used to put honey on my face and walk out to the bears but they will rip your head off if you taste like honey, trust me I've been there. the bears only like to nibble on the mustard so it's a win win situation. the bears get some nurishment and I get the affection I need.

Tomorrow is me and Wilfey's 6 week anniversary, I plan on getting down on one knee and asking him to be my life partner. Well I am off the mustard seeds just arrived from the market, how much do you tip one of those chinese delivery fellas?

Tellin it like it is

Back in 1997 Penny Marshall and I took a hedonism cruise down the Baja peninsula. We didn't plan on falling in love but one never does. I'll never forget the 7Th night into an 11 day trip; Penny and I were on the Promenade deck and we looked deep into each others eyes and couldn't see each others souls. We realized for the first time in our lives we each found someone that was empty and cold. I placed my withered hands on her rubber face and asked her to go steady. If she had blood running through her veins she would have blushed but instead gave me a crooked smile and looked away an mumbled awwwww Kenny. I never felt this way about a human being before, sure I fell in love with plant and animal life but the love you give to them is never returned.

We spent the next 3 nights dancing under the stars and hot tubbing with a nice elderly couple from Boise. On our last day Penny got sick from a bad Crab Bisque soup and spent the rest of the cruise in the bathroom. I couldn't believe how selfish she was being, just because you're sick doesn't mean you should be more than three feet away from my beard at any time. I starred and the ceiling for what seemed like days, turns out it was 26 minutes about the length of an episode of the Brady Bunch. At minute 25 I decided I didn't love Penny and I could never devote my life to anyone who ate bad seafood or has a weak small intestine.

Do I regret not marrying Penny? Only when Wilfy is pounding my head in with a rotary phone, he loves the way it makes a ding against my temple. Other than that I hope I never see that scabies sack again.

Love and Peace from your friend,
Kenny

my side of the story

Hi friends and fans it is I Kenny Rogers and I want to set the record straight on a few things. Chocolate Milk isn't good for you and there isn't any kind of voodoo scientist you can find that can prove that it is. I also want to clear the air on my relationship with Wilford Brimley. Wilfy and I are life partners but there is so much more to life partnership than there is to romance.
For example every day at noon I wake up and walk to the mail box to see if old Wilfy's diabetes medication has arrived. I pray that it is there when I get to the mailbox otherwise he is going to be cranky and there is a good chance he will beat me. I don't mind the beatings so much it's the verbal abuse. Sometimes when he is hitting me with a sock full of golf balls he yells "Do you see the Islands in the Stream of blood running down your face."

Most days are good for me, I sit on the porch and wonder why I smell like onions and rub gold bond on my lesions.

That is all for today but I have so much more to talk about.
thank you for checking out my blog

Hearts and Kisses
Kenny

PS why do you beat me?