money making the Kenny way

I believe children are the future and that is why I am buying so many of them from third world countries. Once they arrive in the mail you clean them up teach them some beard trimming techniques then you can resell them on ebay for a huge profit.

The other day I went to lunch with that sexy beast Danny DeVito. He was so high on uppers that he actually paid for my Baconator and Frosty. That's another 5 bucks I can put towards my plastic surgery fund.

I have one more money making technique I would love to share with my Roger's Blogger's but I am afraid that you kids would take the idea and use it as your own. What the hell the Kenny is a giver.

Every Sunday morning I put on a tuxedo and a turban and I walk into Wal-Mart with an empty backpack. I load the back pack up with various meats and garden tools then I walk out the front door without paying. Who is going to stop a well dressed towel head with a backpack?? That's using the silver topped noggin innn it? I then take the items to a local flee market and sell the meats and tools to illegal Mexicans at a huge discount. A few more months of running this scam and i will have enough money to record another album

Sexy Beard Out

Lay off Britney

and give me a chance to lay on her. ha man my beard is awesome. So the big stink is britney spears at the VMA's. People were complaining about her performance but I thought it was moving...moving just a little and not to the beat. damn the Kenny is on fire today.

I tried to shave my beard but it turns out there isn't a blade strong enough.

no wonder they call her Joan Rivers

I just went through a messy break up, this woman was a slob and she left her crap all over my camper. Yeah wait let me back up for you guys. Times have been tough for the Kenny, I've had to move into a KOA somewhere outside of Stone Mountain Georgia. I lost all of my possessions in a card game, I forgot when to walk away. That is the step I never forget. I usually walk away from everything. I couldn't this time.

I had pocket Deuces and went all in with my house, my bank accounts and everything else I own. I had no idea Joan Rivers would call me. I was ahead in the hand preflop. my deuces against her Ace King. I was feeling pretty good about my ducks. The flop went ahead and flopped and it was a 4 then a 3 then a 2. I was going nutcakes my beard hairs were standing on end. I looked at Joan and her face started to slide off of her head just like in raiders of the lost ark. The turn card was a 9 and in the back of my head I screamed "no help to anyone!!" Joan picked up her fur coat grabbed her knock off Coach purse and started to walk out the door. The river card was a 5. I started to jump up and down and celebrate but then I looked at Joan and she said "can we talk I just caught a straight on the river!!" Her face almost looked human when she said this, my beard and hair turned white and I had a massive heart attack.

Fast forward one week later I am happy again and living in my camper with a wonderful 400 pound woman I rescued from a fat camp down the road. She moved right in threw her stuff down and started to eat the oak kitchen cabinets. then she started to eat the walls. After she ate the third wall I was like enough already and I kicked her out of what was left of my camper.

The good news is FEMA is sending a team to the KOA and I should have a replacement camper in 9-56 months. Thanks America!

Satasifaction Guarantee

Whenever I see a satisfaction guaranteed sign in a business I take that store to task. After all I am Kenny Rogers and I am used to be pampered and catered to like a new born with a beard. The Kenny was getting his oil changed the other day, I don't want to name the establishment but lets just say I've never actually seen a stone on fire so why would you name your store Firestone??

AS I handed my keys to Carl, I'mnot sure if that was his real name but it was embroidered on a nice patch just above his heart....maybe he named that shirt Carl? Maybe he bought that shirt at the goodwill? Anyway that's not the point. The point is I needed my satisfaction guaranteed.

As soon as they pulled my geo tracker into the oil change bay I yelled my Tracker is very stressed so to guarantee my satisfaction you better give it a full body massage. The workers hesitated but then realized they were commited as a company to making the Kenny satisfied. Actually this was a mistake on my part because as these men started to rub their hands on my car the Geo began to fall apart. Parts were everywhere and I was in shock.

My little joke back fired on me and I was outraged!!! I told Carl that I wasn't satisfied and I wasn't leaving until I was satisfied. I've been here for six days and I'm starting to get the feeling the guys at the firestone are going to break any minute and meet my demands of a brand new Cadillac to replace my Geo Tracker.

Bold and Beautiful

That is what I am ladies. You don't believe me???? Ask any guy I know.

I've been spending some serious alone time with me lately and have enjoyed every minute of if. I have really discovered what makes me tick and I think it's my heart. Heck yeah it is.

I have become one with my beard as well as my mustache. I take my beard and mustache wherever I go and whatever I do and we're going to make it together.

Sorry I am a bit rambly on my blog today, times have been hard for the Kenny as of late. A few weeks ago I was let out of jail on parole but I didn't realize I was going to have to keep checking in with some guy named Parole Officer. You know Kenny the minute they let me out of jail I was off to Tunica to play the nickel slots and kick over old women with walkers. ha I crack myself up.

anyway I was picked up on weapons charges in memphis and if I wouldn't have been on parole they would have let me go since only having three illegal machine guns in the trunk of your KIA in memphis isn't technically against the law.

I'm back in the slammer and cross your fingers old Wilfey says he may come bail me out.

Parole

yeah I be out on parole now. Just did 26 dayz hard time in the Gatlinburg TN slammer. I wuz in there wit some pretty messed up criminals. dey tried to shave my beard but I be all like who wants to get stabbed. den dey didn't try to shave DJ K rizzles beard off. Yeah dats right my new name is DJ K Rizzle. If you don't like it you can foldem and run cause I gotta gun g and I will do damages to yo family tree.

Dolly Parton sent me a TXT message today and it was all like glad your out of the big house sexy but I ain't having none of that old ho. Now that I be a gangsta I am only dating hard core sistas with tattoos and babies.

word

Big slab of meat

Sorry folks Kenny was in the hospital because someone hit him in the head with a big slab of uncooked meat. The Kenny is fine don't you worry about my pretty little beard. After I came out of the coma and learned to walk again and I am almost back to normal. The only part of my brain that isn't working is the part I use to sing duets with. I keep singing the girl part.

The kenny wants to thank all his Roger Goggers for sending cool cards and nice flowers.

Soprano's

I'm a tenor myself and don't care for high pitched singing

The Bee Gees

This is a pretty good band, does anyone know if I can catch them live any time soon. I like the new sound and the blend of dance beats and high pitched gayness their voices offer. It's tough being the Kenny these days. I have been getting twice the amount of hate mail lately. I think a lot of it has to do with my stance on torturing small animals as a way of relaxation therapy. I am pretty sure these animals don't have a soul and should be proud to offer their bodies and life to further a stress free human race. If you disagree you can take your hippie ass back to Nazi Germany and listen to your Kraftwerk CDs in peace over there.

Man I get myself all rilled up when I share my political views. I am going to drink a flavored water and get my beard trimmed.

back on my high horse

those of you dedicated to my blog I thank you and I know that you know i am the most humble person I know. It pains me to big time you people but I have to tell you I get so much e-mail from people trying to tell me how great they are and all the projects they are working on. What they don't realize is they are telling all of this shit to Kenny Rogers. Yeah I have seen it all done it all and snorted it all. I don't give one shiny silver hair off my beard about your accomplishments, I am a legend in the Country Music World and the most respected actor of our time.

Thank you for reading this you can go back to your pathetic lives and your struggles while I sit upon the mountain and laugh.

thanks
Kenny

let me tell you bout my best friend

his name is peanut and he is a hamster. Here is a list of reasons why he is the best

1) He never tried to steal any of my women or more importantly any of my men
2) He leaves me the cutest little love droppings
3) He doesn't complain about the way I stink up the bathroom
4) He loves to watch movies and go for long walks on the hamster wheel
5) He gets all comfy in my beard then he makes the cutest little hamster farts
6) He's not afraid to lie to people's face to protect our relationship

He's the best ever and I feel really bad that I stepped on him this morning because he ate all of the mallowmars. He deserved to die for that, I am sorry and I will miss him but you don't take Kenny's mallowmars.

Sexy Beard Out

Buzzards in my beard

I eat a lot of red meat, I don't think you understand what I am saying I EAT A LOT OF READ MEAT!!! GET IT SUCKA MC? For the record when I eat its like a buzz saw on a baby's head, fast and nasty. So I have meat particles flying all over the place and a lot of good chunks of meat get caught in my silver sexy beard.

Yesterday I plowed through 40 pounds of uncooked prime rib, It was great. Don't worry I chased it wish some EX lax and Alka Seltzer Jagr Bombs. What I forgot to do was shake out my beard over my plates and then eat the scraps that fell out. Instead I got real tired and took a nap on the back patio. I woke up to find 3 Buzzards a hyena and the dark haired Indigo Girl picking the meat chops out of my beard. MAN THAT TICKLED!!!

Septic Troubles

Well i blew out another septic tank!!! I don't think there is a septic system I can't bring to it's knees. There is something about the combination of my over active lower bowels, my strict taco meat diet and the psi of my flatulance that could win a small war. Luckily I'm Kenny Rogers and when my shit hits the fan and breaks stuff I can afford to pay for new things. ha it's great not to be poor and have facial hair.

Rogers in 08

I am toying with the idea of running for President in 08. If I don't do that I may join Jenny Craig. Either way the personal satisfaction from either event will give me and my shiny beard just the boost I need to stay one step ahead of my depression.

Speaking of depression I spent the weekend at my step kid's house. He showed me his tattoos and I let him touch my face. We were both kind of freaked out so we got real drunk and went three wheeling. Remind me to not to eat 6 pounds of nachos and drink a half a bottle of Thunderbird before i hit the dirt track. I did throw up in the sand and it was cool because my barf made the outline of Shirley Hemphill's head on the ground. I call it barf art, or barft for short.

stinky beard out

I'll take no thanks Alex for a million

so the jerks down in Hollywood or wherever asked me Kenny Rogers to be on celebrity jeopardy. Sure Kenny Rogers is a celebrity but he ain't going on no Jeopardy. When I do a quiz show I don't ask who's this person or where's that country I tell you the answer. I ain't gonna stand up there and dick around with Regis Philbin and Bruce Valanche uh uh not me I'm Kenny Rogers dammit hear me roar.

For real are you being for real

People can be faker than my face sometimes. I just want to take those people and poke there eyeballs out with my dirty finger nails and scream now do you see my point A-Rod.

sorry kids Kenny hasn't had his coffee yet today and I get a bit cranky sometimes. One time I was down at the Shoney's breakfast buffet and I told the lady I wanted a cup of coffee then I went to fix my plate. I piled suasage, bacon, chicken nuggets (who knew?), pudding, eggs, french toast sticks, ranch dressing and a slice of mango on my plate and went to sit back down in my comfy booth in the smoking section. As I sat down I noticed Delores didn't bring my coffee yet and I was ready to eat. I picked up my plate flung it clear across the restaurant and it broke the plastic cover on the crane machine game. Kids went nuts looting the machine, grandparents were crying and I still hadn't had my coffee. I did the only think I knew how to do, I walked in the back shoved dolores' head in one of the big silver sink basins and didn't let her up until she went limp. I didn't kill her she was smart enough to know stop moving so I think she's dead. This wasn't the first time this happened.

to make a long story short I got my breakfast free that day and the manager made me a fresh batch of coffee. Ahhhh good times.

Chunky Bars

do they still make those thick little sons of bitches? when I was on tour back in the 70's we would drop a chunky bar into a glass of Jack Daniels pop in an Elton John 8 track and let nature take it's course. We'd wet our pants and the candy would give us pimples.

now a days everything sucks except for my freaking awesome beard. My life is in shambles, my home is a mess but my hairy face is grey and shiny like a beacon in the night giving comfort to all of those that travel by. When I die I want to be buried right next to my beard, Cindy Lauper. I don't care if she isn't dead stick her in the coffin and send her to the other side with me.

Also I never met a Will Rogers I wasn't related to. Stick that in your big brown Caboose J-Lo

the man

when people say the man is keeping them down they are talking about yours truly aka the Gambler aka Big Kenny aka sexy beard.

The other morning I was walking down the interstate for a bit of excercise and I ran into a can collecting homeless man. the man's race is not important but he was drinking a warm welches grape soda and was wearing a rip tupac shirt that was three sizes too small. OK I am sure you guessed by now I was talking to one of "those" chinese fellas.

He was a nice enough kid, he told me he won season one of last comic standing but I had no idea what that meant. He did a few comedy routines for me then showed me a chart on how many laughs he gets per second. It was greek to me but the kid had a nice ass and soft hands.

The kid who seemed to be some kind of fan of mine. he kept saying he was that fan or some weird bs. He also kept telling me the man was keeping him down I said he wasn't he said the man was keeping him down. This went on for about 6 hours until I finally ripped his knee caps off and held him on the gravel shoulder of the road and said NOW THE MAN IS KEEPING YOU DOWN.

end of Blog sexy beard out.

a little something for the peoples

It isn't every day I wake up without a hangover or a burning sensation betwixt my thighs. Today I sprang out of bed at 10:00am and ran over to post this blog. In my dreams I wrote a song and I need to type it out before I forget it so here it is a brand new lyric from your friend and lover Kenny Rogers

When I dance they call me macarena
and the boys they say that I´m buena
they all want me, they can´t have me
So they all come and dance beside me
move with me jam with me
and if your good i take you home with me

A la tuhuelpa legria macarena
Que tuhuelce paralla legria cosabuena
A la tuhuelpa legria macarena Eeeh, macarena
A-Hai

Now don´t you worry ´bout my boy friend
the boy who´s name is Wilford Brimley
I don´t want him, ´cause sent him
he was no good so I - hahaaaa
Now, come on, what was I supposed to do ?
He was outta town and his two friends were soooo fine

Claps Ahai Ahai
Keys

Lach
Come and find me, my name is Macarena
always at the party,
´cause the chicos think I´m buena
come join me, dance with me
and all your fellows cat hello with me

NEW CD

I know right like finally a new KR CD. Well let's not get too excited I am doing one of those Mash up CDs with Jay Z. Basically we are going to take Islands in the stream and mix it into Big Pimpin. DJ poor handwriting just finished the fine time to leave me lucille hard knock life mash up. It's pretty damn sweet if you ask me and my stinky beard.

I am going to have one new song on this CD. It's a duet I am going to do with Linda Carter called Super Woman Awesome Man. It's an autobiographic song that will be done in long form with an orchestra and a human beat box. We're thinking of using Tina Turner for the beat box. that ho can take a punch.

I may upload some Mp3's on my myspace page

new digs

So I moved into my new mobile home today. It's two double wides stacked on top of each other with a spiral stair case on the outside of the home to get between floors.
I don't know what I am going to do when it rains. I hate to go outside just to get up the stairs but a kenny has to do what a kenny has to do. The trailer park I live in is pretty nice. They have an up ground pool in the front and a bbq pit for cooking hot dogs and making meth.

I built a fish pond in the back yard and filled it with Marlin. I wonder how long those suckers can live in fresh water? anyway it doesn't matter I have a web cam hooked up to the pond and it's fun to watch them flop around and cross swords all day.

Good talking to you folks again and keep an eye out for my new cd called. Kenny Freakin Rogers Dammit. It's a children's album

Pork Shoulder

Pork Shoulder isn't just the most delicious part of a pig, it's the nickname I gave my granny. When I was a child Granny Pork Shoulder would squeeze me tight by the throat and whisper in my ear "I wish you were dead." She was such the kidder!!Granny's breath was one part Jack Daniels and one part broken dream. She would tuck me in my crib every night right after she would shake me and poke me with lit cigarettes. She was such the kidder.

At a young age I was taken from my family by the US Government and became part of a secret program where they tried to breed humans with Wolves. Despite Sciences best efforts there is no way to make a werewolf real. I never did find out what happened to Granny Pork Shoulder. I know she was writing some Children's books and had an HVAC business on the side but I will never know if she left this world happy. My guess is she didn't

the Oscars

yeah it was a huge night for me. I really thought I was going to get a lifetime achievement award. Seriously I made 7 gambler movies, a movie called 6 pack, 5 cameo appearances in French Films, 4 movies with Dolly Parton, 3 buddy cop movies with Rick Moranis, 2 sequels to "the way we were" and 1 softcore boy on boy flick. Who has done more for the film industry? This isn't a rhetorical question someone please put my body of work up against anyone's and show me how I am not the greatest.

i bought a puppy this weekend, I am going to see how long he can live without food.

no I'm the greatest ever

I do my share of apperances and show up to kiss babies for virtually no money at charity events. It's these little things that make me a great person. The one thing I can't stand is when other performers try and impress me. I'm Kenny Rogers dammit I can't be impressed. I hate when I am in the Gatlinburg Gay bar and I run into Ten Danson and he is all like "Kenny you wouldn't believe what I just did!!" In my head I'm saying you're right Ted I won't believe it.

Ted is always going on about how much money he made from Cheers and how he hoodwinked Whoopie Goldberg into co-signing on a big screen tv that he never paid for. Sure now Whoopie's credit is in the shitter but what does Ted care he thinks all black people have bad credit. Sorry I am getting off track here.

I guess the point I am trying to make is that I am Kenny Rogers and I rules!!!

I'm still glowing

Last night I was alone for Valentine's day. It happens from time to time and I can say I would rather be alone than with Wilfey. Last year Wifley beat me with some thorny roses and shoved Russell Stovers up my nose. Since I was alone I thought I would go trick or treating. People were a little surprised to see me dressed liked Nat King Cole and holding an empty pillow case but I pulled in some good candy.

At about 3:00am after people stopped being nice and started being real with me I decided to walk home. As I reached my lovely estate that I paid for in cash, not bragging just stating the facts, I noticed a plain white van parked in my drive way.
There was a man and a woman in the van making love. The man was dressed in all black and the woman was tied up and blindfolded. I watched them struggle for hours, it was beautiful. I don't know who sent me that lovely gift for me to watch but let me tell you I'm still glowing. At this time I would like my secret admirer to reveal themselves. I will not reject you after such a generous gift.

stool softener

Eating seat cushions doesn't help the pain. anybody have any family remedies they want to share with me? On an unrelated note I have to tell you I got this thing called an ipod. it's a pretty cool little dealeo you can put all of your songs on it and jam out to it. I think this ipod thing is going to take off. I tire of music pretty easily so I gutted out the inards of my ipod and now use it to store my weed. i hope the po po don't read this blog. Anyway I am looking forward to being alone this Valentines day. If I hook up before then I will be surprised. I have been getting booty calls from former Senator Fred Thompson but I've been there done that.

refreshing glass of water

The FCC reports that American's aren't drinking enough water. I always thought dropping an ice cube in my Jack Daniels was enough but according to a joke I read in readers digest two wongs don't make you white. I don't know exactly what that means but I think it has something to do with Welch's grape soda pulling calcium from your bones and not getting a minimum of 64 ounces of water a day could cause one to get Multiple Personality disorder. One day i went a month without drinking any water and my skin looked like that kids face from "head of the class" and I started to act like Danny Devito at the DMV. To say the least I was a bit cranky. So friends I sit here today with a bottle of aquafina and a new outlook on life. May you find peace in this world of confusion.

my friend Gordy

I don't think you've lived life to it's fullest unless you have a friend named Gordy. You just can't nickname your friend Gordy you have to have a friend named Gordon that you call Gordy. You just can't start calling Gordon Gordy you have to go through some stuff together first, like winning a bowling league or wife swapping. Then one night you're sitting in the back of your el camino you look into his eyes and you say, Gordy you're one crazy S.O.B. There you have it now you have a friend named Gordy and no matter if your lover leaves you for Bonnie Raitt or how bad your face gets mauled in a plastic surgery you can rest in the fact that you have a buddy named Gordy and he is pulling for you 100%.

I too had a dream

I once had a dream that I looked like this man and that I was able to teleport anywhere in the world by eating a 20 piece chicken nugget box. If you know me you know I don't need no dippin sauce cause my mouth makes all kinds of cool flavors on it's own.

At the end of the dream I woke up and I drank a glass of water with a goldfish in it. don't worry now there wasn't any animal cruelty that goldfish had been dead for at least a week and was starting to stink up my trailer.

today I got a late start on my household chores. I meant to feed the chickens but I forgot so they will have to peck around for loose change or maybe feed on each other. They're animals after all what do they need me for they should know how to live off the land. I set up a new play list in my ipod. I don't want to spoil it for anyone but I can tell you there are four hall and oates songs and three Mega Death songs. Talk about your smooth transitions. Speaking of smooth, have you seen my face lately? ha you kids and your jokes, I'm off now to right a book about how Lolapalooza ruined alternative music in the 90's.

I've loved and lost again and again

IfI could only have my one true love. It think of him everytime I blink

this is what happens

when you interrupt my plate of hash browns at the huddle house.

I love my fans and I want to meet and greet as many of you as I can but please don't come up to me when I am knee deep in grill fried russets covered in cheese, bacon, ham, onions, peppers and horse radish.

I may have gone a little too far with the beating of this poor guy but he didn't know when to walk away and he really didn't know when to run. If the media wants to run with this story so be it I don't care my life is pretty much over anyways. I think the fans will look back on my life and remember all the good times and not let this incident be a black eye on my career.... ahahah Kenny just made Kenny laugh.