Pork Shoulder

Pork Shoulder isn't just the most delicious part of a pig, it's the nickname I gave my granny. When I was a child Granny Pork Shoulder would squeeze me tight by the throat and whisper in my ear "I wish you were dead." She was such the kidder!!Granny's breath was one part Jack Daniels and one part broken dream. She would tuck me in my crib every night right after she would shake me and poke me with lit cigarettes. She was such the kidder.

At a young age I was taken from my family by the US Government and became part of a secret program where they tried to breed humans with Wolves. Despite Sciences best efforts there is no way to make a werewolf real. I never did find out what happened to Granny Pork Shoulder. I know she was writing some Children's books and had an HVAC business on the side but I will never know if she left this world happy. My guess is she didn't

the Oscars

yeah it was a huge night for me. I really thought I was going to get a lifetime achievement award. Seriously I made 7 gambler movies, a movie called 6 pack, 5 cameo appearances in French Films, 4 movies with Dolly Parton, 3 buddy cop movies with Rick Moranis, 2 sequels to "the way we were" and 1 softcore boy on boy flick. Who has done more for the film industry? This isn't a rhetorical question someone please put my body of work up against anyone's and show me how I am not the greatest.

i bought a puppy this weekend, I am going to see how long he can live without food.

no I'm the greatest ever

I do my share of apperances and show up to kiss babies for virtually no money at charity events. It's these little things that make me a great person. The one thing I can't stand is when other performers try and impress me. I'm Kenny Rogers dammit I can't be impressed. I hate when I am in the Gatlinburg Gay bar and I run into Ten Danson and he is all like "Kenny you wouldn't believe what I just did!!" In my head I'm saying you're right Ted I won't believe it.

Ted is always going on about how much money he made from Cheers and how he hoodwinked Whoopie Goldberg into co-signing on a big screen tv that he never paid for. Sure now Whoopie's credit is in the shitter but what does Ted care he thinks all black people have bad credit. Sorry I am getting off track here.

I guess the point I am trying to make is that I am Kenny Rogers and I rules!!!

I'm still glowing

Last night I was alone for Valentine's day. It happens from time to time and I can say I would rather be alone than with Wilfey. Last year Wifley beat me with some thorny roses and shoved Russell Stovers up my nose. Since I was alone I thought I would go trick or treating. People were a little surprised to see me dressed liked Nat King Cole and holding an empty pillow case but I pulled in some good candy.

At about 3:00am after people stopped being nice and started being real with me I decided to walk home. As I reached my lovely estate that I paid for in cash, not bragging just stating the facts, I noticed a plain white van parked in my drive way.
There was a man and a woman in the van making love. The man was dressed in all black and the woman was tied up and blindfolded. I watched them struggle for hours, it was beautiful. I don't know who sent me that lovely gift for me to watch but let me tell you I'm still glowing. At this time I would like my secret admirer to reveal themselves. I will not reject you after such a generous gift.

stool softener

Eating seat cushions doesn't help the pain. anybody have any family remedies they want to share with me? On an unrelated note I have to tell you I got this thing called an ipod. it's a pretty cool little dealeo you can put all of your songs on it and jam out to it. I think this ipod thing is going to take off. I tire of music pretty easily so I gutted out the inards of my ipod and now use it to store my weed. i hope the po po don't read this blog. Anyway I am looking forward to being alone this Valentines day. If I hook up before then I will be surprised. I have been getting booty calls from former Senator Fred Thompson but I've been there done that.