no wonder they call her Joan Rivers

I just went through a messy break up, this woman was a slob and she left her crap all over my camper. Yeah wait let me back up for you guys. Times have been tough for the Kenny, I've had to move into a KOA somewhere outside of Stone Mountain Georgia. I lost all of my possessions in a card game, I forgot when to walk away. That is the step I never forget. I usually walk away from everything. I couldn't this time.

I had pocket Deuces and went all in with my house, my bank accounts and everything else I own. I had no idea Joan Rivers would call me. I was ahead in the hand preflop. my deuces against her Ace King. I was feeling pretty good about my ducks. The flop went ahead and flopped and it was a 4 then a 3 then a 2. I was going nutcakes my beard hairs were standing on end. I looked at Joan and her face started to slide off of her head just like in raiders of the lost ark. The turn card was a 9 and in the back of my head I screamed "no help to anyone!!" Joan picked up her fur coat grabbed her knock off Coach purse and started to walk out the door. The river card was a 5. I started to jump up and down and celebrate but then I looked at Joan and she said "can we talk I just caught a straight on the river!!" Her face almost looked human when she said this, my beard and hair turned white and I had a massive heart attack.

Fast forward one week later I am happy again and living in my camper with a wonderful 400 pound woman I rescued from a fat camp down the road. She moved right in threw her stuff down and started to eat the oak kitchen cabinets. then she started to eat the walls. After she ate the third wall I was like enough already and I kicked her out of what was left of my camper.

The good news is FEMA is sending a team to the KOA and I should have a replacement camper in 9-56 months. Thanks America!

Satasifaction Guarantee

Whenever I see a satisfaction guaranteed sign in a business I take that store to task. After all I am Kenny Rogers and I am used to be pampered and catered to like a new born with a beard. The Kenny was getting his oil changed the other day, I don't want to name the establishment but lets just say I've never actually seen a stone on fire so why would you name your store Firestone??

AS I handed my keys to Carl, I'mnot sure if that was his real name but it was embroidered on a nice patch just above his heart....maybe he named that shirt Carl? Maybe he bought that shirt at the goodwill? Anyway that's not the point. The point is I needed my satisfaction guaranteed.

As soon as they pulled my geo tracker into the oil change bay I yelled my Tracker is very stressed so to guarantee my satisfaction you better give it a full body massage. The workers hesitated but then realized they were commited as a company to making the Kenny satisfied. Actually this was a mistake on my part because as these men started to rub their hands on my car the Geo began to fall apart. Parts were everywhere and I was in shock.

My little joke back fired on me and I was outraged!!! I told Carl that I wasn't satisfied and I wasn't leaving until I was satisfied. I've been here for six days and I'm starting to get the feeling the guys at the firestone are going to break any minute and meet my demands of a brand new Cadillac to replace my Geo Tracker.

Bold and Beautiful

That is what I am ladies. You don't believe me???? Ask any guy I know.

I've been spending some serious alone time with me lately and have enjoyed every minute of if. I have really discovered what makes me tick and I think it's my heart. Heck yeah it is.

I have become one with my beard as well as my mustache. I take my beard and mustache wherever I go and whatever I do and we're going to make it together.

Sorry I am a bit rambly on my blog today, times have been hard for the Kenny as of late. A few weeks ago I was let out of jail on parole but I didn't realize I was going to have to keep checking in with some guy named Parole Officer. You know Kenny the minute they let me out of jail I was off to Tunica to play the nickel slots and kick over old women with walkers. ha I crack myself up.

anyway I was picked up on weapons charges in memphis and if I wouldn't have been on parole they would have let me go since only having three illegal machine guns in the trunk of your KIA in memphis isn't technically against the law.

I'm back in the slammer and cross your fingers old Wilfey says he may come bail me out.