Is the Kenny Next?

With all the celebrity passings I have been getting a lot of faxes and post cards asking one question.... well two questions..... the first is how do you stay so sexy? The second are you the next celebrity to bite the dust? (the dust used to be my nickname for Bea Arthur's unmentionables R.I.P you beautiful mistake)

Here are some reasons why I think I may be the next to go

1) I have a 19 year old Pakistani lover who owns a gun. The good news is he doesn't have any hands so he may try and nub me to death in my sleep.

2) Billy Mays had the second best beard in the biz and to be honest with you he was putting some real heat on my facial masterpiece. With Billy out of the picture will my beard shrivel up and die due to lack of a challenge?

3) I've been shitting blood and having chest pains

4) Michael Jackson was addicted to meds, I am addicted to watching ER reruns on TNT. Coincidence? I no think so no no no no

5) Carradine hung himself in the closet. I hang myself in the closet all the time, not for sexual reasons sometimes I think I am a shirt.

6) I no longer have white blood cells. Thanks Aids!!

7) Ernest Borgnine died sky diving in August of 09. Oooops should have said spoiler alert. Note to self cancel sky diving trip with Borgie and Jerry Mathers

8) I shot the deputy and his family wants revenge.

9) Farah.... oh Farah just like me the world forgot about you until you got sick. How many 900 numbers do I have to call to get back in the public eye? Oh Farah I will miss you most of all. Remember that time we split a Frosty at the Santa Fe New Mexico Wendy's. I dipped my hot fries in the cool milky shake, you giggled and threw hot coffee on me. You knew what I needed then and I know you're a real Angel now. Just like Vlad Guerrero.

Wish me luck friends
Sexy Beard OUT!

It's time friends

I need to set a few things straight! Clay Aiken get a girlfriend and stop ripping off my stage style you washed up pee pee touching song hack. Don't get me started on General Motors... to late I'm started. Years ago I told GM that nobody wants things in general your shit has to be specific and specifically nobody wants a shitty car. I drive a VW Diesel Rabbit, it's made in Germany. You know it's good cause Germans make good things. I think I heard that on TV or read it in the Koran.

North Korea has Nukes big deal America has Daisy Dukes. I don't care how hard Catherine Bach has been ridden that crack smoking babe still does it for me. I will never forget the summer of 83 when me and Daisy Dukes went camping in the Smokies. (Smokies what I used to call Yul Brynner's lungs) Me and Cathy Bach were roasting marsh mellows (marsh mellows is what I used to call Betty White's rumpus) anyway... we were a roasting marsh mellows over a kerosene heater and CB leans into me and whispers in my ear. hrrp a brrrp a beee baw boo. She was pretty drunk at the time so I have no idea what she said. I assume it had something to do with old Kenny giving her the once over in the bug ridden hillsides of TN. We started to go at it. Actually I started to go at it young shorty pants was past out cold. Just as I was about to fire up my face follicles an owl shit on my neck. I had to stop myself cold right there cause everyone knows owl shit is bad luck. Actually I don't think everyone knows that...I think it's in the Mormon book of sacred recipes. Not sure I may twitter it and get back to you.

It feels great to finally get that off my chest. (that's what she said)

Sexy Beard out

Kenny Reaches out to the Community

Folks just wanted to pass this article along. I wrote it for the Pigeon Forge press and they may publish it as an ad I pay for.



America, Old America, Dear US of A, You are my one and only and my heart perishes to see you in such distress. Many people are hurting right here in our own neighborhoods and the Sexy Beard is here to help financially and spiritually.



From this day forward I will donate one can of soup to the Nashville Rescue Mission the day after Halloween. Keep in mind this will only be done on leap years and years that don't end in an even number.



Two months ago I donated all of my Armani suits to a homeless shelter in Atlanta. I really have no interest in helping others I just think it's hilarious to see someone in an $1,300 suit asking for nickels.



I will also vow to donate $27,000 dollars to the Lonnie Anderson breast enhancement insTITute.



I vow to read a book before the year is out.



Whenever I see a penny on the ground I will pick it up and put it in a piggy bank, when the piggy bank gets full I will crack open the piggy bank take the penny's to coinstar pocket the money and donate the broken piggy bank to Toys for Tots. The kids will love trying to put that thing back together. It will be like a porcelain puzzle that can cut you.



I will start to recycle when it's convenient for me.



To help stop foreclosures I will come to your house and burn it down for you free of charge. You provide the lighter fluid and the match and I will scorch your home to the ground. I will pay you and extra hundie if you leave your pets inside. Nothing brings me more joy than yelps for help.



America I would like to close by saying, look at all the Kenny is doing. If a huge star like me can reach down and do his part imagine what all of you middle to lower middle class people can do. Get off your fat McDonald's assess and make a difference in you world.



Sexy Beard

Torture

If you watch Fox news like I do you see a lot of outrage about torture. You want to know what torture is friend? It's having to deal with my damn fans? Back in the 70's it was great I was picking up hot babes after shows and taking them back to my home in the mountains and teaching them how to make a bong out of a 7up can, pipe cleaners, fish food and hamster bones.

The only problem is those hot babes back in the 70's are still my fans and let me tell you they ain't aged as well as the Kenny. A lot of these chicks are grandmothers with missing teeth. I just want to walk into the Cracker Barrel one time and eat my grits, eggs, pork and meatloaf sandwich in peace. Every time I show up in my tour bus and with my entourage they are all like remember me Kenny? I saw you live in Stone Mountain Georgia in 1979 and after the show you took me to the KOA where I lived and threw M-80's at me. Of course The Kenny remembers you....ha..... you and every other flea bag mountain turd I done that too. Let me guess you're name's Brenda? for some reason they're all named Brenda? Or is it Linda? It's not Lydia.... damn torture is getting to me.

Oh yeah torture. Here is another thing that tortures me. A few years back I gave Gary Coleman my cricket phone number. I didn't think he would call me but every morning at 6:00am he does. He's all like "My Kidney's this and my Kidney's that" then he's all "My parents this my parents that" then he's all like "Conrad Bain touched this and Conrad touched that" I get it Gary you had a great life. Not everyone is as lucky as you so why do I have to hear it every day. I know you guys may be worried Gary will read this and get mad. Don't worry I am going to put this post at the top of the blog so it will be too high for him to see it way up at the top of the monitor. You know the Kenny always thinking.

Sexy Beard OOOOOUUUUTTTT

A-Rod

Let me tell you my thoughts on A-rod. I think A-Rod is a damn good looking guy, sure he could lose a few pounds but I like his ego. He's a winner and he knows he's a winner just like the Kenny. I was very surprised at some of the findings in the A-Rod case because I was under the impression that nobody cared about baseball. I know I could give a hot sexy rat's ass about the game.

I would also like to point out that using steroids doesn't really help or hurt anything. I was taking heavy doses of steroids while I was working on my 1989 mega success "Christmas in America" the record turned out fantastic but I can't credit steroids I have to credit my talent, my beard and and my other beard Linda Ronstadt.

If steroids were such a big deal would Arnie be President of California? I don't think so.

If anyone cared about steroids would rassling be watched by 560 million households every Monday night?

If steroids were such a big to do would anyone shop at Kroger? That's were I get my steroided up chicken.

You can hate A-Rod because he's a Giant prick!! Don't hate A-Rod because he's a Giant Prick Cheater. This country was founded and run into the ground by Giant Prick Cheaters!! Go America!

Sexy Beard Out

Super Bowl Predictions

I am on my private bus. we just pulled out of Anchorage this morning. I am sure we will not have any trouble getting to Tampa by kickoff. I have had some time to think about this big game and here is what I see happening.

1) Coin toss = Heads! Bet the farm!!

2) The Boss will stink. I am talking music and odor. Look at that guy he looks like a bag of rotten onions. Keep your shirt on Bruce! Now Clarence you can take your shirt off and show us those GIANT JANET JACKSONS YOU GOTS.

3) I think Michelob will make a huge comeback this weekend. Not Mich Lite, or Michelob Ultra none of that pansy crap, I am talking the dark brown bottle and golden tin foil label of the old school Michelob. You heard it here first

4) Mark my words someone will punch Kurt Warners wife right on top of her Billy Idol haircut head. My guess it will be a strung out Ricky Schroder. I guess I didn't have to say strung out you knew that already.

5) The commercials will stink this year. some broad is trying to find a boyfriend or some BS. look lady if you can't get laid by walking around the trailer park in a snugglie and high heels then maybe you're just walking round the wrong trailer park. If you want meet me at any KOA in the southeast and I will give you the beard ride of your life.

6) I will eat way too much Chili

7) The game will end in a tie and Hines Ward will have to challenge Eli and Peyton Manning to an Oreo lick off.

8) Tickets are going for 1,600 hundred a pop. the stadium will look like a Klan rally. (That's a minorities ain't paying that for a ticket joke)

9) A-Rod

10) Me and Burt Young will do our traditional post super bowl karaoke duet of "All the Young Dudes"

SEXY BEARD OUT

Kenny on Craigslist

My dear friend Corey taught me about Craigslist. I thought I would help that Craig guy out
http://nashville.craigslist.org/muc/1002155895.html

I bet they take my post down so here is the text.

I have all the answers (Nashville)
to these questions.

Q: the guy who is trying to talk to people and get advice at gigs.
A: the band or the artist is there to do a show not to make your dreams come true. here is the only advice you need. do your sh*t. If it's good people will take notice if your just another poser get a job at longhorn

Q: why are people working for free
A: You're not working if your doing it for free you're doing it for free. I don't worry what other people do with their lives. I just do my s*it.

Q: What is the deal with drummers?
A: It is impossible to figure that out that is why God invented the drum machine and midi loops.

Q: I want to start a band how should I do it.
A: I think this guys recent post is the best way to do it. That way you don't know what kind of a band you're getting into and you kind finally find out what RYTHEM means: here is the post call the guy: SINGER SONGWRITER RYTHEM GUITER PLAYER LOOKING FOR MUSICIANS TO FORM A BAND CALL 615-859-4441 EXT.137 ASK FOR LEE DANIELS

Q: Should my band hire a full time background singer
A: Yes

Q: If I play the bass and I am not in a band should I post on Craigslist to try and get into a band
A: No. If a band needs a bass player they will find you... well maybe not YOU someone who can play the bass. Basically a monkey in a top hat who works for tips will do just fine.

Q: Who are you and how did you get so smart
A: Friends call me Kenny.... you can call me Mr. Rogers

*sexy beard out*

How I would fix the economy.

I can fix the economy!!! Look what I did for the record business and that's in the economy, or am I thinking of something else?

Anyway here is where we get America back on track:

1) All men 18 and up should grow a silver beard and learn how to sing harmony

2) Tax the hell out of the poor, they're used to being broke. Don't make us rich people
pay for everything

3) Make Beanie Babies a legal tender

4) Let as many Mexicans as you can into this country and pay them crappy salaries and then blame them for shit they didn't do.

5) Build a wall across the northern part of the country to keep Alaskans out

6) A stimulus package where every American gets a live Ostrich instead of money

7) Make these old Bitches who play Bingo pay some damn taxes on that money. That should bail out Freddy Mac. (I thought he died? wasn't he in the kings of comedy or some other bullshit?)

8) Commission a starving artist to paint a portrait of me, sell it on the Chinese Craig's list take the profits and buy the New York Yankees. Sell the Yankees to the guy who started the Chinese Craig's list. Repeat process until all Baseball teams are owned by the Chinese Craig's list guy.

9) More Banner Ads

10) Use my wonder twin powers. Silver Beard Activate. Form of a giant pile of cash for all white Americans. Shape of Social Security benefits for the wealthy.

That's it people!!

SEXY BEARD OUT

Sexy Beard OUT

The Origin

People assume I get all of my strength, good looks and musical ability from my beard. People are right for the most part but they don't know how I grew my beard. I am a bit apprehensive to share my secret on this blog but let's be honest who reads this crap?

Go ahead and do this exercise as I explain it:

In the morning when you wake up take a fine toothed comb and comb your beard a thousand time on each side. Once that is done dip your head in a vat of extra virgin olive oil. It has to be extra virgin the regular virgin is no good. I actually think the regular virgin oils are lying, they look so slutty sometimes. Leave your head dipped until you can't breath, actually let the olive oil into your lungs and if you drown it was never meant to be. Once you pull your head out put it back in you ain't done yet baby. Take a huge breath now dip your big noggin in again, this time stay down until you're dead once you die then come up for air. If you're still alive you're almost there.

Take off all of you clothes, stand in front of a full-length mirror and repeat after me.

I can never be as good as the Kenny

I can never be as good as the Kenny

I can never be as good as the Kenny

I can never be as good as the Kenny

I can never be as good as the Kenny

I can never be as good as the Kenny

I can never be as good as the Kenny

I can never be as good as the Kenny

I can never be as good as the Kenny

I can never be as good as the Kenny

Okay stop saying that now. Put some clothes on get one sheet of scratch paper and a #2 pencil and answer the following questions:

1) Who is the coolest? (answer the Kenny)

2) Who has the most awesome beard (answer the Kenny)

3) Who is an idiot for almost dying trying to be the Kenny? (answer me... not me but you... you know what I mean)


Moral of the story there is only one Kenny Rogers and there will always be one Kenny Rogers...oh there is that baseball dude but I think he drowned in a vat of olive oil earlier in the blog

SEXY BEARD OUT