I am on my private bus. we just pulled out of Anchorage this morning. I am sure we will not have any trouble getting to Tampa by kickoff. I have had some time to think about this big game and here is what I see happening.
1) Coin toss = Heads! Bet the farm!!
2) The Boss will stink. I am talking music and odor. Look at that guy he looks like a bag of rotten onions. Keep your shirt on Bruce! Now Clarence you can take your shirt off and show us those GIANT JANET JACKSONS YOU GOTS.
3) I think Michelob will make a huge comeback this weekend. Not Mich Lite, or Michelob Ultra none of that pansy crap, I am talking the dark brown bottle and golden tin foil label of the old school Michelob. You heard it here first
4) Mark my words someone will punch Kurt Warners wife right on top of her Billy Idol haircut head. My guess it will be a strung out Ricky Schroder. I guess I didn't have to say strung out you knew that already.
5) The commercials will stink this year. some broad is trying to find a boyfriend or some BS. look lady if you can't get laid by walking around the trailer park in a snugglie and high heels then maybe you're just walking round the wrong trailer park. If you want meet me at any KOA in the southeast and I will give you the beard ride of your life.
6) I will eat way too much Chili
7) The game will end in a tie and Hines Ward will have to challenge Eli and Peyton Manning to an Oreo lick off.
8) Tickets are going for 1,600 hundred a pop. the stadium will look like a Klan rally. (That's a minorities ain't paying that for a ticket joke)
9) A-Rod
10) Me and Burt Young will do our traditional post super bowl karaoke duet of "All the Young Dudes"
SEXY BEARD OUT
Friday, January 30, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Kenny on Craigslist
My dear friend Corey taught me about Craigslist. I thought I would help that Craig guy out
http://nashville.craigslist.org/muc/1002155895.html
I bet they take my post down so here is the text.
I have all the answers (Nashville)
to these questions.
Q: the guy who is trying to talk to people and get advice at gigs.
A: the band or the artist is there to do a show not to make your dreams come true. here is the only advice you need. do your sh*t. If it's good people will take notice if your just another poser get a job at longhorn
Q: why are people working for free
A: You're not working if your doing it for free you're doing it for free. I don't worry what other people do with their lives. I just do my s*it.
Q: What is the deal with drummers?
A: It is impossible to figure that out that is why God invented the drum machine and midi loops.
Q: I want to start a band how should I do it.
A: I think this guys recent post is the best way to do it. That way you don't know what kind of a band you're getting into and you kind finally find out what RYTHEM means: here is the post call the guy: SINGER SONGWRITER RYTHEM GUITER PLAYER LOOKING FOR MUSICIANS TO FORM A BAND CALL 615-859-4441 EXT.137 ASK FOR LEE DANIELS
Q: Should my band hire a full time background singer
A: Yes
Q: If I play the bass and I am not in a band should I post on Craigslist to try and get into a band
A: No. If a band needs a bass player they will find you... well maybe not YOU someone who can play the bass. Basically a monkey in a top hat who works for tips will do just fine.
Q: Who are you and how did you get so smart
A: Friends call me Kenny.... you can call me Mr. Rogers
*sexy beard out*
http://nashville.craigslist.org/muc/1002155895.html
I bet they take my post down so here is the text.
I have all the answers (Nashville)
to these questions.
Q: the guy who is trying to talk to people and get advice at gigs.
A: the band or the artist is there to do a show not to make your dreams come true. here is the only advice you need. do your sh*t. If it's good people will take notice if your just another poser get a job at longhorn
Q: why are people working for free
A: You're not working if your doing it for free you're doing it for free. I don't worry what other people do with their lives. I just do my s*it.
Q: What is the deal with drummers?
A: It is impossible to figure that out that is why God invented the drum machine and midi loops.
Q: I want to start a band how should I do it.
A: I think this guys recent post is the best way to do it. That way you don't know what kind of a band you're getting into and you kind finally find out what RYTHEM means: here is the post call the guy: SINGER SONGWRITER RYTHEM GUITER PLAYER LOOKING FOR MUSICIANS TO FORM A BAND CALL 615-859-4441 EXT.137 ASK FOR LEE DANIELS
Q: Should my band hire a full time background singer
A: Yes
Q: If I play the bass and I am not in a band should I post on Craigslist to try and get into a band
A: No. If a band needs a bass player they will find you... well maybe not YOU someone who can play the bass. Basically a monkey in a top hat who works for tips will do just fine.
Q: Who are you and how did you get so smart
A: Friends call me Kenny.... you can call me Mr. Rogers
*sexy beard out*
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
How I would fix the economy.
I can fix the economy!!! Look what I did for the record business and that's in the economy, or am I thinking of something else?
Anyway here is where we get America back on track:
1) All men 18 and up should grow a silver beard and learn how to sing harmony
2) Tax the hell out of the poor, they're used to being broke. Don't make us rich people
pay for everything
3) Make Beanie Babies a legal tender
4) Let as many Mexicans as you can into this country and pay them crappy salaries and then blame them for shit they didn't do.
5) Build a wall across the northern part of the country to keep Alaskans out
6) A stimulus package where every American gets a live Ostrich instead of money
7) Make these old Bitches who play Bingo pay some damn taxes on that money. That should bail out Freddy Mac. (I thought he died? wasn't he in the kings of comedy or some other bullshit?)
8) Commission a starving artist to paint a portrait of me, sell it on the Chinese Craig's list take the profits and buy the New York Yankees. Sell the Yankees to the guy who started the Chinese Craig's list. Repeat process until all Baseball teams are owned by the Chinese Craig's list guy.
9) More Banner Ads
10) Use my wonder twin powers. Silver Beard Activate. Form of a giant pile of cash for all white Americans. Shape of Social Security benefits for the wealthy.
That's it people!!
SEXY BEARD OUT
Sexy Beard OUT
Anyway here is where we get America back on track:
1) All men 18 and up should grow a silver beard and learn how to sing harmony
2) Tax the hell out of the poor, they're used to being broke. Don't make us rich people
pay for everything
3) Make Beanie Babies a legal tender
4) Let as many Mexicans as you can into this country and pay them crappy salaries and then blame them for shit they didn't do.
5) Build a wall across the northern part of the country to keep Alaskans out
6) A stimulus package where every American gets a live Ostrich instead of money
7) Make these old Bitches who play Bingo pay some damn taxes on that money. That should bail out Freddy Mac. (I thought he died? wasn't he in the kings of comedy or some other bullshit?)
8) Commission a starving artist to paint a portrait of me, sell it on the Chinese Craig's list take the profits and buy the New York Yankees. Sell the Yankees to the guy who started the Chinese Craig's list. Repeat process until all Baseball teams are owned by the Chinese Craig's list guy.
9) More Banner Ads
10) Use my wonder twin powers. Silver Beard Activate. Form of a giant pile of cash for all white Americans. Shape of Social Security benefits for the wealthy.
That's it people!!
SEXY BEARD OUT
Sexy Beard OUT
Monday, January 5, 2009
The Origin
People assume I get all of my strength, good looks and musical ability from my beard. People are right for the most part but they don't know how I grew my beard. I am a bit apprehensive to share my secret on this blog but let's be honest who reads this crap?
Go ahead and do this exercise as I explain it:
In the morning when you wake up take a fine toothed comb and comb your beard a thousand time on each side. Once that is done dip your head in a vat of extra virgin olive oil. It has to be extra virgin the regular virgin is no good. I actually think the regular virgin oils are lying, they look so slutty sometimes. Leave your head dipped until you can't breath, actually let the olive oil into your lungs and if you drown it was never meant to be. Once you pull your head out put it back in you ain't done yet baby. Take a huge breath now dip your big noggin in again, this time stay down until you're dead once you die then come up for air. If you're still alive you're almost there.
Take off all of you clothes, stand in front of a full-length mirror and repeat after me.
I can never be as good as the Kenny
I can never be as good as the Kenny
I can never be as good as the Kenny
I can never be as good as the Kenny
I can never be as good as the Kenny
I can never be as good as the Kenny
I can never be as good as the Kenny
I can never be as good as the Kenny
I can never be as good as the Kenny
I can never be as good as the Kenny
Okay stop saying that now. Put some clothes on get one sheet of scratch paper and a #2 pencil and answer the following questions:
1) Who is the coolest? (answer the Kenny)
2) Who has the most awesome beard (answer the Kenny)
3) Who is an idiot for almost dying trying to be the Kenny? (answer me... not me but you... you know what I mean)
Moral of the story there is only one Kenny Rogers and there will always be one Kenny Rogers...oh there is that baseball dude but I think he drowned in a vat of olive oil earlier in the blog
SEXY BEARD OUT
Go ahead and do this exercise as I explain it:
In the morning when you wake up take a fine toothed comb and comb your beard a thousand time on each side. Once that is done dip your head in a vat of extra virgin olive oil. It has to be extra virgin the regular virgin is no good. I actually think the regular virgin oils are lying, they look so slutty sometimes. Leave your head dipped until you can't breath, actually let the olive oil into your lungs and if you drown it was never meant to be. Once you pull your head out put it back in you ain't done yet baby. Take a huge breath now dip your big noggin in again, this time stay down until you're dead once you die then come up for air. If you're still alive you're almost there.
Take off all of you clothes, stand in front of a full-length mirror and repeat after me.
I can never be as good as the Kenny
I can never be as good as the Kenny
I can never be as good as the Kenny
I can never be as good as the Kenny
I can never be as good as the Kenny
I can never be as good as the Kenny
I can never be as good as the Kenny
I can never be as good as the Kenny
I can never be as good as the Kenny
I can never be as good as the Kenny
Okay stop saying that now. Put some clothes on get one sheet of scratch paper and a #2 pencil and answer the following questions:
1) Who is the coolest? (answer the Kenny)
2) Who has the most awesome beard (answer the Kenny)
3) Who is an idiot for almost dying trying to be the Kenny? (answer me... not me but you... you know what I mean)
Moral of the story there is only one Kenny Rogers and there will always be one Kenny Rogers...oh there is that baseball dude but I think he drowned in a vat of olive oil earlier in the blog
SEXY BEARD OUT
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