Is the Kenny Next?

With all the celebrity passings I have been getting a lot of faxes and post cards asking one question.... well two questions..... the first is how do you stay so sexy? The second are you the next celebrity to bite the dust? (the dust used to be my nickname for Bea Arthur's unmentionables R.I.P you beautiful mistake)

Here are some reasons why I think I may be the next to go

1) I have a 19 year old Pakistani lover who owns a gun. The good news is he doesn't have any hands so he may try and nub me to death in my sleep.

2) Billy Mays had the second best beard in the biz and to be honest with you he was putting some real heat on my facial masterpiece. With Billy out of the picture will my beard shrivel up and die due to lack of a challenge?

3) I've been shitting blood and having chest pains

4) Michael Jackson was addicted to meds, I am addicted to watching ER reruns on TNT. Coincidence? I no think so no no no no

5) Carradine hung himself in the closet. I hang myself in the closet all the time, not for sexual reasons sometimes I think I am a shirt.

6) I no longer have white blood cells. Thanks Aids!!

7) Ernest Borgnine died sky diving in August of 09. Oooops should have said spoiler alert. Note to self cancel sky diving trip with Borgie and Jerry Mathers

8) I shot the deputy and his family wants revenge.

9) Farah.... oh Farah just like me the world forgot about you until you got sick. How many 900 numbers do I have to call to get back in the public eye? Oh Farah I will miss you most of all. Remember that time we split a Frosty at the Santa Fe New Mexico Wendy's. I dipped my hot fries in the cool milky shake, you giggled and threw hot coffee on me. You knew what I needed then and I know you're a real Angel now. Just like Vlad Guerrero.

Wish me luck friends
Sexy Beard OUT!