Kenny Rogers Rules

My Dirty Little Secret Pick-up lines

2010-02-24T12:47:00.001-08:00

I get texts, e-mails, tweets, facebook messages, friendster alerts, dial up bulletin board posts and so on and so forth about my way with the ladies. I can't give you all of my secrets and as most of you know my sexy beard isn't a secret but let me see if I can help you out fellas.

Some people call these pick-up lines but I call them a sure fire way to score. Feel free to use these

1) Hey baby want to go Krogering? In my pants?

2) My Dr. said I don't have the kind of AIDs you can catch.

3) Try my product.

4) Do you have a 900 number I could call you on?

5) It's OK if you still live at home, I'm a quite lover.

6) I'll buy you a drink but I will need a co-pay on these ruffies.

7) You, me, a hot tub and a plugged in toaster!

8) Wanna see my Joan Rivers blow up doll?

9) If you ever want to see your family alive again you WILL GO BACK TO MY DOUBLE WIDE!!!

10) Don't you leave till you see me!

sexy beard out

Sorry Gang

2010-02-18T11:59:00.000-08:00

I just spent the last year of my life trying to figure out how to get on Twitter. I think I done did it. Will you follow me @TheKennyRogers

Is the Kenny Next?

2009-07-17T07:36:00.001-07:00

With all the celebrity passings I have been getting a lot of faxes and post cards asking one question.... well two questions..... the first is how do you stay so sexy? The second are you the next celebrity to bite the dust? (the dust used to be my nickname for Bea Arthur's unmentionables R.I.P you beautiful mistake)

Here are some reasons why I think I may be the next to go

1) I have a 19 year old Pakistani lover who owns a gun. The good news is he doesn't have any hands so he may try and nub me to death in my sleep.

2) Billy Mays had the second best beard in the biz and to be honest with you he was putting some real heat on my facial masterpiece. With Billy out of the picture will my beard shrivel up and die due to lack of a challenge?

3) I've been shitting blood and having chest pains

4) Michael Jackson was addicted to meds, I am addicted to watching ER reruns on TNT. Coincidence? I no think so no no no no

5) Carradine hung himself in the closet. I hang myself in the closet all the time, not for sexual reasons sometimes I think I am a shirt.

6) I no longer have white blood cells. Thanks Aids!!

7) Ernest Borgnine died sky diving in August of 09. Oooops should have said spoiler alert. Note to self cancel sky diving trip with Borgie and Jerry Mathers

8) I shot the deputy and his family wants revenge.

9) Farah.... oh Farah just like me the world forgot about you until you got sick. How many 900 numbers do I have to call to get back in the public eye? Oh Farah I will miss you most of all. Remember that time we split a Frosty at the Santa Fe New Mexico Wendy's. I dipped my hot fries in the cool milky shake, you giggled and threw hot coffee on me. You knew what I needed then and I know you're a real Angel now. Just like Vlad Guerrero.

Wish me luck friends
Sexy Beard OUT!

It's time friends

2009-06-03T07:33:00.000-07:00

I need to set a few things straight! Clay Aiken get a girlfriend and stop ripping off my stage style you washed up pee pee touching song hack. Don't get me started on General Motors... to late I'm started. Years ago I told GM that nobody wants things in general your shit has to be specific and specifically nobody wants a shitty car. I drive a VW Diesel Rabbit, it's made in Germany. You know it's good cause Germans make good things. I think I heard that on TV or read it in the Koran.

North Korea has Nukes big deal America has Daisy Dukes. I don't care how hard Catherine Bach has been ridden that crack smoking babe still does it for me. I will never forget the summer of 83 when me and Daisy Dukes went camping in the Smokies. (Smokies what I used to call Yul Brynner's lungs) Me and Cathy Bach were roasting marsh mellows (marsh mellows is what I used to call Betty White's rumpus) anyway... we were a roasting marsh mellows over a kerosene heater and CB leans into me and whispers in my ear. hrrp a brrrp a beee baw boo. She was pretty drunk at the time so I have no idea what she said. I assume it had something to do with old Kenny giving her the once over in the bug ridden hillsides of TN. We started to go at it. Actually I started to go at it young shorty pants was past out cold. Just as I was about to fire up my face follicles an owl shit on my neck. I had to stop myself cold right there cause everyone knows owl shit is bad luck. Actually I don't think everyone knows that...I think it's in the Mormon book of sacred recipes. Not sure I may twitter it and get back to you.

It feels great to finally get that off my chest. (that's what she said)

Sexy Beard out

Kenny Reaches out to the Community

2009-05-13T06:42:00.001-07:00

Folks just wanted to pass this article along. I wrote it for the Pigeon Forge press and they may publish it as an ad I pay for.

America, Old America, Dear US of A, You are my one and only and my heart perishes to see you in such distress. Many people are hurting right here in our own neighborhoods and the Sexy Beard is here to help financially and spiritually.

From this day forward I will donate one can of soup to the Nashville Rescue Mission the day after Halloween. Keep in mind this will only be done on leap years and years that don't end in an even number.

Two months ago I donated all of my Armani suits to a homeless shelter in Atlanta. I really have no interest in helping others I just think it's hilarious to see someone in an $1,300 suit asking for nickels.

I will also vow to donate $27,000 dollars to the Lonnie Anderson breast enhancement insTITute.

I vow to read a book before the year is out.

Whenever I see a penny on the ground I will pick it up and put it in a piggy bank, when the piggy bank gets full I will crack open the piggy bank take the penny's to coinstar pocket the money and donate the broken piggy bank to Toys for Tots. The kids will love trying to put that thing back together. It will be like a porcelain puzzle that can cut you.

I will start to recycle when it's convenient for me.

To help stop foreclosures I will come to your house and burn it down for you free of charge. You provide the lighter fluid and the match and I will scorch your home to the ground. I will pay you and extra hundie if you leave your pets inside. Nothing brings me more joy than yelps for help.

America I would like to close by saying, look at all the Kenny is doing. If a huge star like me can reach down and do his part imagine what all of you middle to lower middle class people can do. Get off your fat McDonald's assess and make a difference in you world.

Sexy Beard

Torture

2009-04-22T07:27:00.000-07:00

If you watch Fox news like I do you see a lot of outrage about torture. You want to know what torture is friend? It's having to deal with my damn fans? Back in the 70's it was great I was picking up hot babes after shows and taking them back to my home in the mountains and teaching them how to make a bong out of a 7up can, pipe cleaners, fish food and hamster bones.

The only problem is those hot babes back in the 70's are still my fans and let me tell you they ain't aged as well as the Kenny. A lot of these chicks are grandmothers with missing teeth. I just want to walk into the Cracker Barrel one time and eat my grits, eggs, pork and meatloaf sandwich in peace. Every time I show up in my tour bus and with my entourage they are all like remember me Kenny? I saw you live in Stone Mountain Georgia in 1979 and after the show you took me to the KOA where I lived and threw M-80's at me. Of course The Kenny remembers you....ha..... you and every other flea bag mountain turd I done that too. Let me guess you're name's Brenda? for some reason they're all named Brenda? Or is it Linda? It's not Lydia.... damn torture is getting to me.

Oh yeah torture. Here is another thing that tortures me. A few years back I gave Gary Coleman my cricket phone number. I didn't think he would call me but every morning at 6:00am he does. He's all like "My Kidney's this and my Kidney's that" then he's all "My parents this my parents that" then he's all like "Conrad Bain touched this and Conrad touched that" I get it Gary you had a great life. Not everyone is as lucky as you so why do I have to hear it every day. I know you guys may be worried Gary will read this and get mad. Don't worry I am going to put this post at the top of the blog so it will be too high for him to see it way up at the top of the monitor. You know the Kenny always thinking.

Sexy Beard OOOOOUUUUTTTT

A-Rod

2009-02-24T09:12:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you my thoughts on A-rod. I think A-Rod is a damn good looking guy, sure he could lose a few pounds but I like his ego. He's a winner and he knows he's a winner just like the Kenny. I was very surprised at some of the findings in the A-Rod case because I was under the impression that nobody cared about baseball. I know I could give a hot sexy rat's ass about the game.

I would also like to point out that using steroids doesn't really help or hurt anything. I was taking heavy doses of steroids while I was working on my 1989 mega success "Christmas in America" the record turned out fantastic but I can't credit steroids I have to credit my talent, my beard and and my other beard Linda Ronstadt.

If steroids were such a big deal would Arnie be President of California? I don't think so.

If anyone cared about steroids would rassling be watched by 560 million households every Monday night?

If steroids were such a big to do would anyone shop at Kroger? That's were I get my steroided up chicken.

You can hate A-Rod because he's a Giant prick!! Don't hate A-Rod because he's a Giant Prick Cheater. This country was founded and run into the ground by Giant Prick Cheaters!! Go America!

Sexy Beard Out

Super Bowl Predictions

2009-01-30T12:39:00.000-08:00

I am on my private bus. we just pulled out of Anchorage this morning. I am sure we will not have any trouble getting to Tampa by kickoff. I have had some time to think about this big game and here is what I see happening.

1) Coin toss = Heads! Bet the farm!!

2) The Boss will stink. I am talking music and odor. Look at that guy he looks like a bag of rotten onions. Keep your shirt on Bruce! Now Clarence you can take your shirt off and show us those GIANT JANET JACKSONS YOU GOTS.

3) I think Michelob will make a huge comeback this weekend. Not Mich Lite, or Michelob Ultra none of that pansy crap, I am talking the dark brown bottle and golden tin foil label of the old school Michelob. You heard it here first

4) Mark my words someone will punch Kurt Warners wife right on top of her Billy Idol haircut head. My guess it will be a strung out Ricky Schroder. I guess I didn't have to say strung out you knew that already.

5) The commercials will stink this year. some broad is trying to find a boyfriend or some BS. look lady if you can't get laid by walking around the trailer park in a snugglie and high heels then maybe you're just walking round the wrong trailer park. If you want meet me at any KOA in the southeast and I will give you the beard ride of your life.

6) I will eat way too much Chili

7) The game will end in a tie and Hines Ward will have to challenge Eli and Peyton Manning to an Oreo lick off.

8) Tickets are going for 1,600 hundred a pop. the stadium will look like a Klan rally. (That's a minorities ain't paying that for a ticket joke)

9) A-Rod

10) Me and Burt Young will do our traditional post super bowl karaoke duet of "All the Young Dudes"

SEXY BEARD OUT

Kenny on Craigslist

2009-01-21T13:55:00.001-08:00

My dear friend Corey taught me about Craigslist. I thought I would help that Craig guy out
http://nashville.craigslist.org/muc/1002155895.html

I bet they take my post down so here is the text.

I have all the answers (Nashville)
to these questions.

Q: the guy who is trying to talk to people and get advice at gigs.
A: the band or the artist is there to do a show not to make your dreams come true. here is the only advice you need. do your sh*t. If it's good people will take notice if your just another poser get a job at longhorn

Q: why are people working for free
A: You're not working if your doing it for free you're doing it for free. I don't worry what other people do with their lives. I just do my s*it.

Q: What is the deal with drummers?
A: It is impossible to figure that out that is why God invented the drum machine and midi loops.

Q: I want to start a band how should I do it.
A: I think this guys recent post is the best way to do it. That way you don't know what kind of a band you're getting into and you kind finally find out what RYTHEM means: here is the post call the guy: SINGER SONGWRITER RYTHEM GUITER PLAYER LOOKING FOR MUSICIANS TO FORM A BAND CALL 615-859-4441 EXT.137 ASK FOR LEE DANIELS

Q: Should my band hire a full time background singer
A: Yes

Q: If I play the bass and I am not in a band should I post on Craigslist to try and get into a band
A: No. If a band needs a bass player they will find you... well maybe not YOU someone who can play the bass. Basically a monkey in a top hat who works for tips will do just fine.

Q: Who are you and how did you get so smart
A: Friends call me Kenny.... you can call me Mr. Rogers

*sexy beard out*

How I would fix the economy.

2009-01-13T11:04:00.000-08:00

I can fix the economy!!! Look what I did for the record business and that's in the economy, or am I thinking of something else?

Anyway here is where we get America back on track:

1) All men 18 and up should grow a silver beard and learn how to sing harmony

2) Tax the hell out of the poor, they're used to being broke. Don't make us rich people
pay for everything

3) Make Beanie Babies a legal tender

4) Let as many Mexicans as you can into this country and pay them crappy salaries and then blame them for shit they didn't do.

5) Build a wall across the northern part of the country to keep Alaskans out

6) A stimulus package where every American gets a live Ostrich instead of money

7) Make these old Bitches who play Bingo pay some damn taxes on that money. That should bail out Freddy Mac. (I thought he died? wasn't he in the kings of comedy or some other bullshit?)

8) Commission a starving artist to paint a portrait of me, sell it on the Chinese Craig's list take the profits and buy the New York Yankees. Sell the Yankees to the guy who started the Chinese Craig's list. Repeat process until all Baseball teams are owned by the Chinese Craig's list guy.

9) More Banner Ads

10) Use my wonder twin powers. Silver Beard Activate. Form of a giant pile of cash for all white Americans. Shape of Social Security benefits for the wealthy.

That's it people!!

SEXY BEARD OUT

Sexy Beard OUT

The Origin

2009-01-05T13:49:00.000-08:00

People assume I get all of my strength, good looks and musical ability from my beard. People are right for the most part but they don't know how I grew my beard. I am a bit apprehensive to share my secret on this blog but let's be honest who reads this crap?

Go ahead and do this exercise as I explain it:

In the morning when you wake up take a fine toothed comb and comb your beard a thousand time on each side. Once that is done dip your head in a vat of extra virgin olive oil. It has to be extra virgin the regular virgin is no good. I actually think the regular virgin oils are lying, they look so slutty sometimes. Leave your head dipped until you can't breath, actually let the olive oil into your lungs and if you drown it was never meant to be. Once you pull your head out put it back in you ain't done yet baby. Take a huge breath now dip your big noggin in again, this time stay down until you're dead once you die then come up for air. If you're still alive you're almost there.

Take off all of you clothes, stand in front of a full-length mirror and repeat after me.

I can never be as good as the Kenny

I can never be as good as the Kenny

I can never be as good as the Kenny

I can never be as good as the Kenny

I can never be as good as the Kenny

I can never be as good as the Kenny

I can never be as good as the Kenny

I can never be as good as the Kenny

I can never be as good as the Kenny

I can never be as good as the Kenny

Okay stop saying that now. Put some clothes on get one sheet of scratch paper and a #2 pencil and answer the following questions:

1) Who is the coolest? (answer the Kenny)

2) Who has the most awesome beard (answer the Kenny)

3) Who is an idiot for almost dying trying to be the Kenny? (answer me... not me but you... you know what I mean)

Moral of the story there is only one Kenny Rogers and there will always be one Kenny Rogers...oh there is that baseball dude but I think he drowned in a vat of olive oil earlier in the blog

SEXY BEARD OUT

Why am I the smartest person in the world?

2008-12-29T12:02:00.000-08:00

Maybe I'm lucky? Maybe it's divine intervention? Maybe I have had enough lot lizard love that my mind expanded 10x that of John Lennon? Actually I think each one of my beard follicles has a mind of it's own and those minds are all connected via some silver grid that sends energy waves to my brain. Possible? No? Impossible? Still no!!

I don't want to turn this blog into a look at me and my beard and think about how smart I am thing... too late? Well if you're like me you hate dumb people!! Did you ever talk to someone so dumb that by the end of the conversation you wanted to listen to an entire Ringo Starr Record? No? Then you have never spoken with Mario Van Peebles. I first met Mario back in 1981 when we were working on "Waltz of the Stork". I taught him how to project in a theater and he taught me how to drool in the key of G#. I remember at the end of a show one night it took him 45 minutes to take his shoes off. He couldn't remember which one he put on first and he didn't want to take them off in the wrong order. Duh everyone knows left shoe first middle shoe second.

I don't want to turn this blog into a look at how dumb Mario Van Peebles is thing... to late? OK well here are the top 10 dumb things Mario Van Peebles has said to me.

10) Is that a Cadillac in your pants or are you just happy it's not a Cadillac in your pants.

9) Ishtar? I hardly knew her

8) Thank God Paul McCartney broke up with the Beatles and invented Buffalo Wings

7) I should have won something for my role in Rappin

6) BRRRRRR GGRRRRR POOOOP

5) This is my mini van I named it Mario Van Persons

4) Damn these gas prices are crazy yo

3) Is that a new beard or the same one you always have

2) Do Run Run Da Do Run Run

1) Sausage is bad for you

Sexy Beard OUT!!!!

Internet Silence

2008-12-23T08:14:00.000-08:00

I haven't had a chance to blog for quite sometime. Besides the fact that I forgot how to use my words my beard's built in wifi was on the fritz.

Not much has changed for the Kenny, I recently had a face lift to remove some pimples. It's kind of like throwing the baby out with the bath water but you know me I don't like babies, or baths, or water or throwing things. The only thing I throw is my weight around the local VFW. I wonder how those vets feel knowing that I can walk in at anytime and take their women away from them. It's great to be the Kenny.

I have been playing a little co-ed soccer. Here's a picture of our goalie Sea Biscuit

Don't tell anyone but I kinda have a crush on that Philly.

On an unrelated but newsworthy note I have a new video coming out.
It's called take that you tube and stick it where the sun don't shine. I am so sick of You Tube spreading lies about me and Wilfred Brimley. For those of you who think we are back together as a hot power couple we're not. We have been able to bury the armpit and become good friends. Friends with benefits? Yes. Lovers? No. It takes a lot for me to be called someones lover. Just ask Dan Rather! I made him jump through hoops of fire in a clown costume before I ever held him in my arms and cried lover. Danny boy wiped my tears and returned my love by telling me "An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger."

Thanks Danny Boy

Thank you for the memories

Sexy Beard Out

Don't Freak out

2008-03-21T10:58:00.000-07:00

I'm helping my buddy Dale out by posting his blog on my blog. He's a good guy he just doesn't have inernet access so what the hell I'll help him out. checkhim out at http://dalelovesthebuzz.blogspot.com/

As for me I'm doing pretty good these days. my infections are starting to clear up and I only have to go to physical therapy 4 times a year. I don't know how I strained my beard but I am glad it is starting to heal.

Charles Barkley called me the other day and asked me who is in my t-Mobile fav five I told him not his black ass. we giggled a little kissed and then I gave him the following list.

5) Wilford Brimley. yes my old lover Wilfey. I know he beats me and treats me like crap but I still love him and I hope one day we can be together

4) Yeah Dave Mustaine. Dave has always been my biggest musical influence and the Kenny is proud to model his career after the Megadeath Master of Music

3) Wink Martindale IS RIGHT!!

2) Sean Puff Daddy P Diddy Combs. We talk on the phone for 4 hours a night. We usually talk about baseball, politics, deep sea fishing and the Indigo Girls. he's good peoples

1) NO BRAINER!! The other love of my life

Sexy Beard OUT

Just like the fall guy

2008-03-19T07:39:00.000-07:00

I'm not the kind to kiss and tell... Until now... I hate to brag but back in the day I had a thing with Loni Anderson

yeah that Loni Anderson. I can't believe I kept my silver beard shut about it for this long. I don't know why it didn't last. Maybe it was my bisexuality that turned her off, maybe she couldn't look directly at my facial hair. I guess I will never know. But just for the record let it be known that I had a relationship with Loni Anderson.

yeah this Lonie anderson

I really thought she was the one. I didn't mind her bad breath or her wolf like body odor. I was in love with Loni.

yeah this Loni

I don't know why I'm admitn' to all this now. She hasn't aged as gracefully as me and my silver stache.

yeah this Loni

Sexy Beard Out

money making the Kenny way

2007-10-03T08:38:00.000-07:00

I believe children are the future and that is why I am buying so many of them from third world countries. Once they arrive in the mail you clean them up teach them some beard trimming techniques then you can resell them on ebay for a huge profit.

The other day I went to lunch with that sexy beast Danny DeVito. He was so high on uppers that he actually paid for my Baconator and Frosty. That's another 5 bucks I can put towards my plastic surgery fund.

I have one more money making technique I would love to share with my Roger's Blogger's but I am afraid that you kids would take the idea and use it as your own. What the hell the Kenny is a giver.

Every Sunday morning I put on a tuxedo and a turban and I walk into Wal-Mart with an empty backpack. I load the back pack up with various meats and garden tools then I walk out the front door without paying. Who is going to stop a well dressed towel head with a backpack?? That's using the silver topped noggin innn it? I then take the items to a local flee market and sell the meats and tools to illegal Mexicans at a huge discount. A few more months of running this scam and i will have enough money to record another album

Sexy Beard Out

Lay off Britney

2007-09-15T08:30:00.000-07:00

and give me a chance to lay on her. ha man my beard is awesome. So the big stink is britney spears at the VMA's. People were complaining about her performance but I thought it was moving...moving just a little and not to the beat. damn the Kenny is on fire today.

I tried to shave my beard but it turns out there isn't a blade strong enough.

no wonder they call her Joan Rivers

2007-08-24T06:40:00.000-07:00

I just went through a messy break up, this woman was a slob and she left her crap all over my camper. Yeah wait let me back up for you guys. Times have been tough for the Kenny, I've had to move into a KOA somewhere outside of Stone Mountain Georgia. I lost all of my possessions in a card game, I forgot when to walk away. That is the step I never forget. I usually walk away from everything. I couldn't this time.

I had pocket Deuces and went all in with my house, my bank accounts and everything else I own. I had no idea Joan Rivers would call me. I was ahead in the hand preflop. my deuces against her Ace King. I was feeling pretty good about my ducks. The flop went ahead and flopped and it was a 4 then a 3 then a 2. I was going nutcakes my beard hairs were standing on end. I looked at Joan and her face started to slide off of her head just like in raiders of the lost ark. The turn card was a 9 and in the back of my head I screamed "no help to anyone!!" Joan picked up her fur coat grabbed her knock off Coach purse and started to walk out the door. The river card was a 5. I started to jump up and down and celebrate but then I looked at Joan and she said "can we talk I just caught a straight on the river!!" Her face almost looked human when she said this, my beard and hair turned white and I had a massive heart attack.

Fast forward one week later I am happy again and living in my camper with a wonderful 400 pound woman I rescued from a fat camp down the road. She moved right in threw her stuff down and started to eat the oak kitchen cabinets. then she started to eat the walls. After she ate the third wall I was like enough already and I kicked her out of what was left of my camper.

The good news is FEMA is sending a team to the KOA and I should have a replacement camper in 9-56 months. Thanks America!

Satasifaction Guarantee

2007-08-10T21:18:00.000-07:00

Whenever I see a satisfaction guaranteed sign in a business I take that store to task. After all I am Kenny Rogers and I am used to be pampered and catered to like a new born with a beard. The Kenny was getting his oil changed the other day, I don't want to name the establishment but lets just say I've never actually seen a stone on fire so why would you name your store Firestone??

AS I handed my keys to Carl, I'mnot sure if that was his real name but it was embroidered on a nice patch just above his heart....maybe he named that shirt Carl? Maybe he bought that shirt at the goodwill? Anyway that's not the point. The point is I needed my satisfaction guaranteed.

As soon as they pulled my geo tracker into the oil change bay I yelled my Tracker is very stressed so to guarantee my satisfaction you better give it a full body massage. The workers hesitated but then realized they were commited as a company to making the Kenny satisfied. Actually this was a mistake on my part because as these men started to rub their hands on my car the Geo began to fall apart. Parts were everywhere and I was in shock.

My little joke back fired on me and I was outraged!!! I told Carl that I wasn't satisfied and I wasn't leaving until I was satisfied. I've been here for six days and I'm starting to get the feeling the guys at the firestone are going to break any minute and meet my demands of a brand new Cadillac to replace my Geo Tracker.

Bold and Beautiful

2007-08-01T07:09:00.000-07:00

That is what I am ladies. You don't believe me???? Ask any guy I know.

I've been spending some serious alone time with me lately and have enjoyed every minute of if. I have really discovered what makes me tick and I think it's my heart. Heck yeah it is.

I have become one with my beard as well as my mustache. I take my beard and mustache wherever I go and whatever I do and we're going to make it together.

Sorry I am a bit rambly on my blog today, times have been hard for the Kenny as of late. A few weeks ago I was let out of jail on parole but I didn't realize I was going to have to keep checking in with some guy named Parole Officer. You know Kenny the minute they let me out of jail I was off to Tunica to play the nickel slots and kick over old women with walkers. ha I crack myself up.

anyway I was picked up on weapons charges in memphis and if I wouldn't have been on parole they would have let me go since only having three illegal machine guns in the trunk of your KIA in memphis isn't technically against the law.

I'm back in the slammer and cross your fingers old Wilfey says he may come bail me out.

Parole

2007-07-12T11:26:00.000-07:00

yeah I be out on parole now. Just did 26 dayz hard time in the Gatlinburg TN slammer. I wuz in there wit some pretty messed up criminals. dey tried to shave my beard but I be all like who wants to get stabbed. den dey didn't try to shave DJ K rizzles beard off. Yeah dats right my new name is DJ K Rizzle. If you don't like it you can foldem and run cause I gotta gun g and I will do damages to yo family tree.

Dolly Parton sent me a TXT message today and it was all like glad your out of the big house sexy but I ain't having none of that old ho. Now that I be a gangsta I am only dating hard core sistas with tattoos and babies.

word

Big slab of meat

2007-06-22T12:09:00.000-07:00

Sorry folks Kenny was in the hospital because someone hit him in the head with a big slab of uncooked meat. The Kenny is fine don't you worry about my pretty little beard. After I came out of the coma and learned to walk again and I am almost back to normal. The only part of my brain that isn't working is the part I use to sing duets with. I keep singing the girl part.

The kenny wants to thank all his Roger Goggers for sending cool cards and nice flowers.

Soprano's

2007-06-04T10:05:00.000-07:00

I'm a tenor myself and don't care for high pitched singing

The Bee Gees

2007-06-01T07:19:00.000-07:00

This is a pretty good band, does anyone know if I can catch them live any time soon. I like the new sound and the blend of dance beats and high pitched gayness their voices offer. It's tough being the Kenny these days. I have been getting twice the amount of hate mail lately. I think a lot of it has to do with my stance on torturing small animals as a way of relaxation therapy. I am pretty sure these animals don't have a soul and should be proud to offer their bodies and life to further a stress free human race. If you disagree you can take your hippie ass back to Nazi Germany and listen to your Kraftwerk CDs in peace over there.

Man I get myself all rilled up when I share my political views. I am going to drink a flavored water and get my beard trimmed.

back on my high horse

2007-05-23T11:37:00.000-07:00

those of you dedicated to my blog I thank you and I know that you know i am the most humble person I know. It pains me to big time you people but I have to tell you I get so much e-mail from people trying to tell me how great they are and all the projects they are working on. What they don't realize is they are telling all of this shit to Kenny Rogers. Yeah I have seen it all done it all and snorted it all. I don't give one shiny silver hair off my beard about your accomplishments, I am a legend in the Country Music World and the most respected actor of our time.

Thank you for reading this you can go back to your pathetic lives and your struggles while I sit upon the mountain and laugh.

thanks
Kenny

let me tell you bout my best friend

2007-05-07T10:41:00.000-07:00

his name is peanut and he is a hamster. Here is a list of reasons why he is the best

1) He never tried to steal any of my women or more importantly any of my men
2) He leaves me the cutest little love droppings
3) He doesn't complain about the way I stink up the bathroom
4) He loves to watch movies and go for long walks on the hamster wheel
5) He gets all comfy in my beard then he makes the cutest little hamster farts
6) He's not afraid to lie to people's face to protect our relationship

He's the best ever and I feel really bad that I stepped on him this morning because he ate all of the mallowmars. He deserved to die for that, I am sorry and I will miss him but you don't take Kenny's mallowmars.

Sexy Beard Out

Buzzards in my beard

2007-05-03T08:06:00.000-07:00

I eat a lot of red meat, I don't think you understand what I am saying I EAT A LOT OF READ MEAT!!! GET IT SUCKA MC? For the record when I eat its like a buzz saw on a baby's head, fast and nasty. So I have meat particles flying all over the place and a lot of good chunks of meat get caught in my silver sexy beard.

Yesterday I plowed through 40 pounds of uncooked prime rib, It was great. Don't worry I chased it wish some EX lax and Alka Seltzer Jagr Bombs. What I forgot to do was shake out my beard over my plates and then eat the scraps that fell out. Instead I got real tired and took a nap on the back patio. I woke up to find 3 Buzzards a hyena and the dark haired Indigo Girl picking the meat chops out of my beard. MAN THAT TICKLED!!!

Septic Troubles

2007-04-25T10:52:00.000-07:00

Well i blew out another septic tank!!! I don't think there is a septic system I can't bring to it's knees. There is something about the combination of my over active lower bowels, my strict taco meat diet and the psi of my flatulance that could win a small war. Luckily I'm Kenny Rogers and when my shit hits the fan and breaks stuff I can afford to pay for new things. ha it's great not to be poor and have facial hair.

Rogers in 08

2007-04-23T11:01:00.000-07:00

I am toying with the idea of running for President in 08. If I don't do that I may join Jenny Craig. Either way the personal satisfaction from either event will give me and my shiny beard just the boost I need to stay one step ahead of my depression.

Speaking of depression I spent the weekend at my step kid's house. He showed me his tattoos and I let him touch my face. We were both kind of freaked out so we got real drunk and went three wheeling. Remind me to not to eat 6 pounds of nachos and drink a half a bottle of Thunderbird before i hit the dirt track. I did throw up in the sand and it was cool because my barf made the outline of Shirley Hemphill's head on the ground. I call it barf art, or barft for short.

stinky beard out

I'll take no thanks Alex for a million

2007-04-18T06:46:00.000-07:00

so the jerks down in Hollywood or wherever asked me Kenny Rogers to be on celebrity jeopardy. Sure Kenny Rogers is a celebrity but he ain't going on no Jeopardy. When I do a quiz show I don't ask who's this person or where's that country I tell you the answer. I ain't gonna stand up there and dick around with Regis Philbin and Bruce Valanche uh uh not me I'm Kenny Rogers dammit hear me roar.

For real are you being for real

2007-04-17T09:10:00.000-07:00

People can be faker than my face sometimes. I just want to take those people and poke there eyeballs out with my dirty finger nails and scream now do you see my point A-Rod.

sorry kids Kenny hasn't had his coffee yet today and I get a bit cranky sometimes. One time I was down at the Shoney's breakfast buffet and I told the lady I wanted a cup of coffee then I went to fix my plate. I piled suasage, bacon, chicken nuggets (who knew?), pudding, eggs, french toast sticks, ranch dressing and a slice of mango on my plate and went to sit back down in my comfy booth in the smoking section. As I sat down I noticed Delores didn't bring my coffee yet and I was ready to eat. I picked up my plate flung it clear across the restaurant and it broke the plastic cover on the crane machine game. Kids went nuts looting the machine, grandparents were crying and I still hadn't had my coffee. I did the only think I knew how to do, I walked in the back shoved dolores' head in one of the big silver sink basins and didn't let her up until she went limp. I didn't kill her she was smart enough to know stop moving so I think she's dead. This wasn't the first time this happened.

to make a long story short I got my breakfast free that day and the manager made me a fresh batch of coffee. Ahhhh good times.

Chunky Bars

2007-04-03T09:01:00.000-07:00

do they still make those thick little sons of bitches? when I was on tour back in the 70's we would drop a chunky bar into a glass of Jack Daniels pop in an Elton John 8 track and let nature take it's course. We'd wet our pants and the candy would give us pimples.

now a days everything sucks except for my freaking awesome beard. My life is in shambles, my home is a mess but my hairy face is grey and shiny like a beacon in the night giving comfort to all of those that travel by. When I die I want to be buried right next to my beard, Cindy Lauper. I don't care if she isn't dead stick her in the coffin and send her to the other side with me.

Also I never met a Will Rogers I wasn't related to. Stick that in your big brown Caboose J-Lo

the man

2007-03-27T11:06:00.000-07:00

when people say the man is keeping them down they are talking about yours truly aka the Gambler aka Big Kenny aka sexy beard.

The other morning I was walking down the interstate for a bit of excercise and I ran into a can collecting homeless man. the man's race is not important but he was drinking a warm welches grape soda and was wearing a rip tupac shirt that was three sizes too small. OK I am sure you guessed by now I was talking to one of "those" chinese fellas.

He was a nice enough kid, he told me he won season one of last comic standing but I had no idea what that meant. He did a few comedy routines for me then showed me a chart on how many laughs he gets per second. It was greek to me but the kid had a nice ass and soft hands.

The kid who seemed to be some kind of fan of mine. he kept saying he was that fan or some weird bs. He also kept telling me the man was keeping him down I said he wasn't he said the man was keeping him down. This went on for about 6 hours until I finally ripped his knee caps off and held him on the gravel shoulder of the road and said NOW THE MAN IS KEEPING YOU DOWN.

end of Blog sexy beard out.

a little something for the peoples

2007-03-22T07:48:00.000-07:00

It isn't every day I wake up without a hangover or a burning sensation betwixt my thighs. Today I sprang out of bed at 10:00am and ran over to post this blog. In my dreams I wrote a song and I need to type it out before I forget it so here it is a brand new lyric from your friend and lover Kenny Rogers

When I dance they call me macarena
and the boys they say that I´m buena
they all want me, they can´t have me
So they all come and dance beside me
move with me jam with me
and if your good i take you home with me

A la tuhuelpa legria macarena
Que tuhuelce paralla legria cosabuena
A la tuhuelpa legria macarena Eeeh, macarena
A-Hai

Now don´t you worry ´bout my boy friend
the boy who´s name is Wilford Brimley
I don´t want him, ´cause sent him
he was no good so I - hahaaaa
Now, come on, what was I supposed to do ?
He was outta town and his two friends were soooo fine

Claps Ahai Ahai
Keys

Lach
Come and find me, my name is Macarena
always at the party,
´cause the chicos think I´m buena
come join me, dance with me
and all your fellows cat hello with me

NEW CD

2007-03-14T09:04:00.000-07:00

I know right like finally a new KR CD. Well let's not get too excited I am doing one of those Mash up CDs with Jay Z. Basically we are going to take Islands in the stream and mix it into Big Pimpin. DJ poor handwriting just finished the fine time to leave me lucille hard knock life mash up. It's pretty damn sweet if you ask me and my stinky beard.

I am going to have one new song on this CD. It's a duet I am going to do with Linda Carter called Super Woman Awesome Man. It's an autobiographic song that will be done in long form with an orchestra and a human beat box. We're thinking of using Tina Turner for the beat box. that ho can take a punch.

I may upload some Mp3's on my myspace page

new digs

2007-03-07T10:59:00.000-08:00

So I moved into my new mobile home today. It's two double wides stacked on top of each other with a spiral stair case on the outside of the home to get between floors.
I don't know what I am going to do when it rains. I hate to go outside just to get up the stairs but a kenny has to do what a kenny has to do. The trailer park I live in is pretty nice. They have an up ground pool in the front and a bbq pit for cooking hot dogs and making meth.

I built a fish pond in the back yard and filled it with Marlin. I wonder how long those suckers can live in fresh water? anyway it doesn't matter I have a web cam hooked up to the pond and it's fun to watch them flop around and cross swords all day.

Good talking to you folks again and keep an eye out for my new cd called. Kenny Freakin Rogers Dammit. It's a children's album

Pork Shoulder

2007-02-28T08:41:00.000-08:00

Pork Shoulder isn't just the most delicious part of a pig, it's the nickname I gave my granny. When I was a child Granny Pork Shoulder would squeeze me tight by the throat and whisper in my ear "I wish you were dead." She was such the kidder!!Granny's breath was one part Jack Daniels and one part broken dream. She would tuck me in my crib every night right after she would shake me and poke me with lit cigarettes. She was such the kidder.

At a young age I was taken from my family by the US Government and became part of a secret program where they tried to breed humans with Wolves. Despite Sciences best efforts there is no way to make a werewolf real. I never did find out what happened to Granny Pork Shoulder. I know she was writing some Children's books and had an HVAC business on the side but I will never know if she left this world happy. My guess is she didn't

the Oscars

2007-02-26T09:19:00.000-08:00

yeah it was a huge night for me. I really thought I was going to get a lifetime achievement award. Seriously I made 7 gambler movies, a movie called 6 pack, 5 cameo appearances in French Films, 4 movies with Dolly Parton, 3 buddy cop movies with Rick Moranis, 2 sequels to "the way we were" and 1 softcore boy on boy flick. Who has done more for the film industry? This isn't a rhetorical question someone please put my body of work up against anyone's and show me how I am not the greatest.

i bought a puppy this weekend, I am going to see how long he can live without food.

no I'm the greatest ever

2007-02-22T07:32:00.000-08:00

I do my share of apperances and show up to kiss babies for virtually no money at charity events. It's these little things that make me a great person. The one thing I can't stand is when other performers try and impress me. I'm Kenny Rogers dammit I can't be impressed. I hate when I am in the Gatlinburg Gay bar and I run into Ten Danson and he is all like "Kenny you wouldn't believe what I just did!!" In my head I'm saying you're right Ted I won't believe it.

Ted is always going on about how much money he made from Cheers and how he hoodwinked Whoopie Goldberg into co-signing on a big screen tv that he never paid for. Sure now Whoopie's credit is in the shitter but what does Ted care he thinks all black people have bad credit. Sorry I am getting off track here.

I guess the point I am trying to make is that I am Kenny Rogers and I rules!!!

I'm still glowing

2007-02-15T07:24:00.000-08:00

Last night I was alone for Valentine's day. It happens from time to time and I can say I would rather be alone than with Wilfey. Last year Wifley beat me with some thorny roses and shoved Russell Stovers up my nose. Since I was alone I thought I would go trick or treating. People were a little surprised to see me dressed liked Nat King Cole and holding an empty pillow case but I pulled in some good candy.

At about 3:00am after people stopped being nice and started being real with me I decided to walk home. As I reached my lovely estate that I paid for in cash, not bragging just stating the facts, I noticed a plain white van parked in my drive way.
There was a man and a woman in the van making love. The man was dressed in all black and the woman was tied up and blindfolded. I watched them struggle for hours, it was beautiful. I don't know who sent me that lovely gift for me to watch but let me tell you I'm still glowing. At this time I would like my secret admirer to reveal themselves. I will not reject you after such a generous gift.

stool softener

2007-02-07T12:55:00.000-08:00

Eating seat cushions doesn't help the pain. anybody have any family remedies they want to share with me? On an unrelated note I have to tell you I got this thing called an ipod. it's a pretty cool little dealeo you can put all of your songs on it and jam out to it. I think this ipod thing is going to take off. I tire of music pretty easily so I gutted out the inards of my ipod and now use it to store my weed. i hope the po po don't read this blog. Anyway I am looking forward to being alone this Valentines day. If I hook up before then I will be surprised. I have been getting booty calls from former Senator Fred Thompson but I've been there done that.

refreshing glass of water

2007-01-24T08:48:00.000-08:00

The FCC reports that American's aren't drinking enough water. I always thought dropping an ice cube in my Jack Daniels was enough but according to a joke I read in readers digest two wongs don't make you white. I don't know exactly what that means but I think it has something to do with Welch's grape soda pulling calcium from your bones and not getting a minimum of 64 ounces of water a day could cause one to get Multiple Personality disorder. One day i went a month without drinking any water and my skin looked like that kids face from "head of the class" and I started to act like Danny Devito at the DMV. To say the least I was a bit cranky. So friends I sit here today with a bottle of aquafina and a new outlook on life. May you find peace in this world of confusion.

my friend Gordy

2007-01-22T12:53:00.000-08:00

I don't think you've lived life to it's fullest unless you have a friend named Gordy. You just can't nickname your friend Gordy you have to have a friend named Gordon that you call Gordy. You just can't start calling Gordon Gordy you have to go through some stuff together first, like winning a bowling league or wife swapping. Then one night you're sitting in the back of your el camino you look into his eyes and you say, Gordy you're one crazy S.O.B. There you have it now you have a friend named Gordy and no matter if your lover leaves you for Bonnie Raitt or how bad your face gets mauled in a plastic surgery you can rest in the fact that you have a buddy named Gordy and he is pulling for you 100%.

I too had a dream

2007-01-19T11:36:00.000-08:00

I once had a dream that I looked like this man and that I was able to teleport anywhere in the world by eating a 20 piece chicken nugget box. If you know me you know I don't need no dippin sauce cause my mouth makes all kinds of cool flavors on it's own.

At the end of the dream I woke up and I drank a glass of water with a goldfish in it. don't worry now there wasn't any animal cruelty that goldfish had been dead for at least a week and was starting to stink up my trailer.

today I got a late start on my household chores. I meant to feed the chickens but I forgot so they will have to peck around for loose change or maybe feed on each other. They're animals after all what do they need me for they should know how to live off the land. I set up a new play list in my ipod. I don't want to spoil it for anyone but I can tell you there are four hall and oates songs and three Mega Death songs. Talk about your smooth transitions. Speaking of smooth, have you seen my face lately? ha you kids and your jokes, I'm off now to right a book about how Lolapalooza ruined alternative music in the 90's.

I've loved and lost again and again

2007-01-16T12:33:00.000-08:00

IfI could only have my one true love. It think of him everytime I blink

this is what happens

2007-01-04T11:39:00.000-08:00

when you interrupt my plate of hash browns at the huddle house.

I love my fans and I want to meet and greet as many of you as I can but please don't come up to me when I am knee deep in grill fried russets covered in cheese, bacon, ham, onions, peppers and horse radish.

I may have gone a little too far with the beating of this poor guy but he didn't know when to walk away and he really didn't know when to run. If the media wants to run with this story so be it I don't care my life is pretty much over anyways. I think the fans will look back on my life and remember all the good times and not let this incident be a black eye on my career.... ahahah Kenny just made Kenny laugh.

Fan Letter

2006-12-29T08:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Kenny, I am a powerful Lt. Gov from Illinois and I long to meet you. I have been a huge fan of yours through the years and I now realize the time has come for us to meet.

This is how it should go down. This new years eve you will rent a brown KIA sedona with red leather interior drive it Elk City OK and find the La Quinta Inn off of State Route 43. Please arrive no later than 11:00pm.

You should wear a navy blue tuxedo with a dark green cumber bun and flip flops. No need to bring any food with you I will have plenty of corn dogs and yams for us to gnaw on in between love making sessions. You will need to bring a bottle of Korbel and a gallon of purple stuff for us to drink. I will be in room 543 follow the sent of pine tree and come in the door. I will be playing the Emmanuel Lewis Christmas Cd at a low volume and have the floor sprinkled with sprinkles... you know the kind you put on ice cream. They feel so relaxing while they crunch under your feet. I hope you don't find this letter to forward and I hope you know that if you don't do this I will shave your beard and staple your old face on top of your new plastic face.

with the greatest love and respect
weggy

PS do not wear deodorant

Stuck between Christmas and New Year

2006-12-28T11:45:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't blogged in a few days but I just got off of my 25th anniversary Christmas Tour. this year was the best. Me and Wilfey had a quite Christmas, Wilfey Over Dosed on hist Diabetes medication and was too out of it to beat me this year. Christmas morning we exchanged gifts. I got Wilfey a Satin Bathrobe with a airbrushed portrait of me on the back. I would like to thank the folks down a Cooters Garage in Gatlinburg for helping me pick out this present. Wilfey got me a subscription to Readers Digest and some frozen Bologna.

I'm looking forward to New Years eve, I will be in Birmingham Al with some good friends and I plan on drinking myslef so silly I will find Wynona Judd attractive again. the first time I dated Wynona we went to the Red Lobster in Franklin TN. We did the all you can eat shrimp dinner, they couldn't bring the Shrimps fast enough so Wynona ate a few starfish right out of the fish tank to keep herself full. Those were the days my friend. I'll never forget the way big Wynona would look into my eyes and tell me that I remind her of her first lover Ed Asner. That was truly a precious moment for me and maybe the first time I felt true love.

Black history month is coming so I need to try and fake my tolerance for other races. this picture should work

always use peanut oil

2006-12-20T13:34:00.000-08:00

I was camping in the Smokey Mountains last night with nothing more than a sleeping bag and a 12 pack of mountain dew. There is something about sleeping naked under that stars that makes me feel like a real man, kinda like Jack Palance or a Bruce Villanch. As I lay on top of my sleeping bag in the darkness I heard some rustling in the bushes. I rubbed an empty mountain dew bottle on my beard until the friction caused the plastic to light on fire and act as a torch. As I got closed to the noise part of me was afraid that danger was ahead and another part of me was excited at what i was going to find. I was a little let down that the noise was just a couple of squirrels high fiving each other like on the Geico commercial. I chuckled a little a bit ate a raw pine cone and then I had the best night of sleep ever.

When I got home to Wilfey this morning he wan't pleased with me at all. It was my turn to dry the turkey jerky and he beat me so hard that I will never leave before completing my jerky work. So I am a little bruised up today btu I am also enjoying the wonderful jerky Wilfey made.

Until we meet again my friends.

I had a great weekend

2006-12-18T09:26:00.000-08:00

I had some of the old band over to watch 6 Pack on the wide screen last weekend. I know I have done a lot of great things in my life but this movie is my favorite. I don't want to spoil the ending of the movie for anyone who hasn't seen it yet but just be sure to empty your bladder before you sit down to watch this one you won't want to miss one minute of the mayhem.

I do have a little sad news to report my cat Lucille died on Friday night. She picked a fine time to leave this earth, the early reports are suicide but I have a feeling old Wilfy may have been up to his old tricks. You see Wilfy likes to take anything I find precious and rip it from my life. I had a nice framed picture of Roger Rabbit and Wilfy spread and entire bottle of Mayonaisse all over it. I don't know why a cat would kill itself but I hope old Lucille is in a better place now.

On a happy note we did fry up some kitten mcnuggets, I was told never to waste any part of an animal. I would suggest dipping the kitty nuggets in catsup....I don't know how I can joke at a time like this but if we don't laugh sometimes we cry and my tears have an odd way of burning my beard hairs right off of my face.

Until next time my friends

Well it's Friday so that means mustard time

2006-12-15T13:46:00.000-08:00

Friday evenings i like to make my own homemade mustard. I get a bag full of mustard seeds from the market, a bottle of vinegar and some secret spices I keep in the back of the tour bus. I like to mash it all up in a blue tupperware bowl that way the mustard looks green when it is perfectly mixed.

After the mustard is ready I like to get a rubber spatula and spread the mustard all over my beard. Once the mustard gets nice and hard in my beard I walk out into the woods and let the grizzly bears like the mustard off of my face. Now I know how a hotdog feels. I used to put honey on my face and walk out to the bears but they will rip your head off if you taste like honey, trust me I've been there. the bears only like to nibble on the mustard so it's a win win situation. the bears get some nurishment and I get the affection I need.

Tomorrow is me and Wilfey's 6 week anniversary, I plan on getting down on one knee and asking him to be my life partner. Well I am off the mustard seeds just arrived from the market, how much do you tip one of those chinese delivery fellas?

Tellin it like it is

2006-12-14T12:33:00.000-08:00

Back in 1997 Penny Marshall and I took a hedonism cruise down the Baja peninsula. We didn't plan on falling in love but one never does. I'll never forget the 7Th night into an 11 day trip; Penny and I were on the Promenade deck and we looked deep into each others eyes and couldn't see each others souls. We realized for the first time in our lives we each found someone that was empty and cold. I placed my withered hands on her rubber face and asked her to go steady. If she had blood running through her veins she would have blushed but instead gave me a crooked smile and looked away an mumbled awwwww Kenny. I never felt this way about a human being before, sure I fell in love with plant and animal life but the love you give to them is never returned.

We spent the next 3 nights dancing under the stars and hot tubbing with a nice elderly couple from Boise. On our last day Penny got sick from a bad Crab Bisque soup and spent the rest of the cruise in the bathroom. I couldn't believe how selfish she was being, just because you're sick doesn't mean you should be more than three feet away from my beard at any time. I starred and the ceiling for what seemed like days, turns out it was 26 minutes about the length of an episode of the Brady Bunch. At minute 25 I decided I didn't love Penny and I could never devote my life to anyone who ate bad seafood or has a weak small intestine.

Do I regret not marrying Penny? Only when Wilfy is pounding my head in with a rotary phone, he loves the way it makes a ding against my temple. Other than that I hope I never see that scabies sack again.

Love and Peace from your friend,
Kenny

my side of the story

2006-12-13T07:22:00.000-08:00

Hi friends and fans it is I Kenny Rogers and I want to set the record straight on a few things. Chocolate Milk isn't good for you and there isn't any kind of voodoo scientist you can find that can prove that it is. I also want to clear the air on my relationship with Wilford Brimley. Wilfy and I are life partners but there is so much more to life partnership than there is to romance.
For example every day at noon I wake up and walk to the mail box to see if old Wilfy's diabetes medication has arrived. I pray that it is there when I get to the mailbox otherwise he is going to be cranky and there is a good chance he will beat me. I don't mind the beatings so much it's the verbal abuse. Sometimes when he is hitting me with a sock full of golf balls he yells "Do you see the Islands in the Stream of blood running down your face."

Most days are good for me, I sit on the porch and wonder why I smell like onions and rub gold bond on my lesions.

That is all for today but I have so much more to talk about.
thank you for checking out my blog

Hearts and Kisses
Kenny

PS why do you beat me?