I get texts, e-mails, tweets, facebook messages, friendster alerts, dial up bulletin board posts and so on and so forth about my way with the ladies. I can't give you all of my secrets and as most of you know my sexy beard isn't a secret but let me see if I can help you out fellas.
Some people call these pick-up lines but I call them a sure fire way to score. Feel free to use these
1) Hey baby want to go Krogering? In my pants?
2) My Dr. said I don't have the kind of AIDs you can catch.
3) Try my product.
4) Do you have a 900 number I could call you on?
5) It's OK if you still live at home, I'm a quite lover.
6) I'll buy you a drink but I will need a co-pay on these ruffies.
7) You, me, a hot tub and a plugged in toaster!
8) Wanna see my Joan Rivers blow up doll?
9) If you ever want to see your family alive again you WILL GO BACK TO MY DOUBLE WIDE!!!
10) Don't you leave till you see me!
sexy beard out
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Sorry Gang
I just spent the last year of my life trying to figure out how to get on Twitter. I think I done did it. Will you follow me @TheKennyRogers
Friday, July 17, 2009
Is the Kenny Next?
With all the celebrity passings I have been getting a lot of faxes and post cards asking one question.... well two questions..... the first is how do you stay so sexy? The second are you the next celebrity to bite the dust? (the dust used to be my nickname for Bea Arthur's unmentionables R.I.P you beautiful mistake)
Here are some reasons why I think I may be the next to go
1) I have a 19 year old Pakistani lover who owns a gun. The good news is he doesn't have any hands so he may try and nub me to death in my sleep.
2) Billy Mays had the second best beard in the biz and to be honest with you he was putting some real heat on my facial masterpiece. With Billy out of the picture will my beard shrivel up and die due to lack of a challenge?
3) I've been shitting blood and having chest pains
4) Michael Jackson was addicted to meds, I am addicted to watching ER reruns on TNT. Coincidence? I no think so no no no no
5) Carradine hung himself in the closet. I hang myself in the closet all the time, not for sexual reasons sometimes I think I am a shirt.
6) I no longer have white blood cells. Thanks Aids!!
7) Ernest Borgnine died sky diving in August of 09. Oooops should have said spoiler alert. Note to self cancel sky diving trip with Borgie and Jerry Mathers
8) I shot the deputy and his family wants revenge.
9) Farah.... oh Farah just like me the world forgot about you until you got sick. How many 900 numbers do I have to call to get back in the public eye? Oh Farah I will miss you most of all. Remember that time we split a Frosty at the Santa Fe New Mexico Wendy's. I dipped my hot fries in the cool milky shake, you giggled and threw hot coffee on me. You knew what I needed then and I know you're a real Angel now. Just like Vlad Guerrero.
Wish me luck friends
Sexy Beard OUT!
Here are some reasons why I think I may be the next to go
1) I have a 19 year old Pakistani lover who owns a gun. The good news is he doesn't have any hands so he may try and nub me to death in my sleep.
2) Billy Mays had the second best beard in the biz and to be honest with you he was putting some real heat on my facial masterpiece. With Billy out of the picture will my beard shrivel up and die due to lack of a challenge?
3) I've been shitting blood and having chest pains
4) Michael Jackson was addicted to meds, I am addicted to watching ER reruns on TNT. Coincidence? I no think so no no no no
5) Carradine hung himself in the closet. I hang myself in the closet all the time, not for sexual reasons sometimes I think I am a shirt.
6) I no longer have white blood cells. Thanks Aids!!
7) Ernest Borgnine died sky diving in August of 09. Oooops should have said spoiler alert. Note to self cancel sky diving trip with Borgie and Jerry Mathers
8) I shot the deputy and his family wants revenge.
9) Farah.... oh Farah just like me the world forgot about you until you got sick. How many 900 numbers do I have to call to get back in the public eye? Oh Farah I will miss you most of all. Remember that time we split a Frosty at the Santa Fe New Mexico Wendy's. I dipped my hot fries in the cool milky shake, you giggled and threw hot coffee on me. You knew what I needed then and I know you're a real Angel now. Just like Vlad Guerrero.
Wish me luck friends
Sexy Beard OUT!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
It's time friends
I need to set a few things straight! Clay Aiken get a girlfriend and stop ripping off my stage style you washed up pee pee touching song hack. Don't get me started on General Motors... to late I'm started. Years ago I told GM that nobody wants things in general your shit has to be specific and specifically nobody wants a shitty car. I drive a VW Diesel Rabbit, it's made in Germany. You know it's good cause Germans make good things. I think I heard that on TV or read it in the Koran.
North Korea has Nukes big deal America has Daisy Dukes. I don't care how hard Catherine Bach has been ridden that crack smoking babe still does it for me. I will never forget the summer of 83 when me and Daisy Dukes went camping in the Smokies. (Smokies what I used to call Yul Brynner's lungs) Me and Cathy Bach were roasting marsh mellows (marsh mellows is what I used to call Betty White's rumpus) anyway... we were a roasting marsh mellows over a kerosene heater and CB leans into me and whispers in my ear. hrrp a brrrp a beee baw boo. She was pretty drunk at the time so I have no idea what she said. I assume it had something to do with old Kenny giving her the once over in the bug ridden hillsides of TN. We started to go at it. Actually I started to go at it young shorty pants was past out cold. Just as I was about to fire up my face follicles an owl shit on my neck. I had to stop myself cold right there cause everyone knows owl shit is bad luck. Actually I don't think everyone knows that...I think it's in the Mormon book of sacred recipes. Not sure I may twitter it and get back to you.
It feels great to finally get that off my chest. (that's what she said)
Sexy Beard out
North Korea has Nukes big deal America has Daisy Dukes. I don't care how hard Catherine Bach has been ridden that crack smoking babe still does it for me. I will never forget the summer of 83 when me and Daisy Dukes went camping in the Smokies. (Smokies what I used to call Yul Brynner's lungs) Me and Cathy Bach were roasting marsh mellows (marsh mellows is what I used to call Betty White's rumpus) anyway... we were a roasting marsh mellows over a kerosene heater and CB leans into me and whispers in my ear. hrrp a brrrp a beee baw boo. She was pretty drunk at the time so I have no idea what she said. I assume it had something to do with old Kenny giving her the once over in the bug ridden hillsides of TN. We started to go at it. Actually I started to go at it young shorty pants was past out cold. Just as I was about to fire up my face follicles an owl shit on my neck. I had to stop myself cold right there cause everyone knows owl shit is bad luck. Actually I don't think everyone knows that...I think it's in the Mormon book of sacred recipes. Not sure I may twitter it and get back to you.
It feels great to finally get that off my chest. (that's what she said)
Sexy Beard out
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Kenny Reaches out to the Community
Folks just wanted to pass this article along. I wrote it for the Pigeon Forge press and they may publish it as an ad I pay for.
America, Old America, Dear US of A, You are my one and only and my heart perishes to see you in such distress. Many people are hurting right here in our own neighborhoods and the Sexy Beard is here to help financially and spiritually.
From this day forward I will donate one can of soup to the Nashville Rescue Mission the day after Halloween. Keep in mind this will only be done on leap years and years that don't end in an even number.
Two months ago I donated all of my Armani suits to a homeless shelter in Atlanta. I really have no interest in helping others I just think it's hilarious to see someone in an $1,300 suit asking for nickels.
I will also vow to donate $27,000 dollars to the Lonnie Anderson breast enhancement insTITute.
I vow to read a book before the year is out.
Whenever I see a penny on the ground I will pick it up and put it in a piggy bank, when the piggy bank gets full I will crack open the piggy bank take the penny's to coinstar pocket the money and donate the broken piggy bank to Toys for Tots. The kids will love trying to put that thing back together. It will be like a porcelain puzzle that can cut you.
I will start to recycle when it's convenient for me.
To help stop foreclosures I will come to your house and burn it down for you free of charge. You provide the lighter fluid and the match and I will scorch your home to the ground. I will pay you and extra hundie if you leave your pets inside. Nothing brings me more joy than yelps for help.
America I would like to close by saying, look at all the Kenny is doing. If a huge star like me can reach down and do his part imagine what all of you middle to lower middle class people can do. Get off your fat McDonald's assess and make a difference in you world.
Sexy Beard
America, Old America, Dear US of A, You are my one and only and my heart perishes to see you in such distress. Many people are hurting right here in our own neighborhoods and the Sexy Beard is here to help financially and spiritually.
From this day forward I will donate one can of soup to the Nashville Rescue Mission the day after Halloween. Keep in mind this will only be done on leap years and years that don't end in an even number.
Two months ago I donated all of my Armani suits to a homeless shelter in Atlanta. I really have no interest in helping others I just think it's hilarious to see someone in an $1,300 suit asking for nickels.
I will also vow to donate $27,000 dollars to the Lonnie Anderson breast enhancement insTITute.
I vow to read a book before the year is out.
Whenever I see a penny on the ground I will pick it up and put it in a piggy bank, when the piggy bank gets full I will crack open the piggy bank take the penny's to coinstar pocket the money and donate the broken piggy bank to Toys for Tots. The kids will love trying to put that thing back together. It will be like a porcelain puzzle that can cut you.
I will start to recycle when it's convenient for me.
To help stop foreclosures I will come to your house and burn it down for you free of charge. You provide the lighter fluid and the match and I will scorch your home to the ground. I will pay you and extra hundie if you leave your pets inside. Nothing brings me more joy than yelps for help.
America I would like to close by saying, look at all the Kenny is doing. If a huge star like me can reach down and do his part imagine what all of you middle to lower middle class people can do. Get off your fat McDonald's assess and make a difference in you world.
Sexy Beard
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Torture
If you watch Fox news like I do you see a lot of outrage about torture. You want to know what torture is friend? It's having to deal with my damn fans? Back in the 70's it was great I was picking up hot babes after shows and taking them back to my home in the mountains and teaching them how to make a bong out of a 7up can, pipe cleaners, fish food and hamster bones.
The only problem is those hot babes back in the 70's are still my fans and let me tell you they ain't aged as well as the Kenny. A lot of these chicks are grandmothers with missing teeth. I just want to walk into the Cracker Barrel one time and eat my grits, eggs, pork and meatloaf sandwich in peace. Every time I show up in my tour bus and with my entourage they are all like remember me Kenny? I saw you live in Stone Mountain Georgia in 1979 and after the show you took me to the KOA where I lived and threw M-80's at me. Of course The Kenny remembers you....ha..... you and every other flea bag mountain turd I done that too. Let me guess you're name's Brenda? for some reason they're all named Brenda? Or is it Linda? It's not Lydia.... damn torture is getting to me.
Oh yeah torture. Here is another thing that tortures me. A few years back I gave Gary Coleman my cricket phone number. I didn't think he would call me but every morning at 6:00am he does. He's all like "My Kidney's this and my Kidney's that" then he's all "My parents this my parents that" then he's all like "Conrad Bain touched this and Conrad touched that" I get it Gary you had a great life. Not everyone is as lucky as you so why do I have to hear it every day. I know you guys may be worried Gary will read this and get mad. Don't worry I am going to put this post at the top of the blog so it will be too high for him to see it way up at the top of the monitor. You know the Kenny always thinking.
Sexy Beard OOOOOUUUUTTTT
The only problem is those hot babes back in the 70's are still my fans and let me tell you they ain't aged as well as the Kenny. A lot of these chicks are grandmothers with missing teeth. I just want to walk into the Cracker Barrel one time and eat my grits, eggs, pork and meatloaf sandwich in peace. Every time I show up in my tour bus and with my entourage they are all like remember me Kenny? I saw you live in Stone Mountain Georgia in 1979 and after the show you took me to the KOA where I lived and threw M-80's at me. Of course The Kenny remembers you....ha..... you and every other flea bag mountain turd I done that too. Let me guess you're name's Brenda? for some reason they're all named Brenda? Or is it Linda? It's not Lydia.... damn torture is getting to me.
Oh yeah torture. Here is another thing that tortures me. A few years back I gave Gary Coleman my cricket phone number. I didn't think he would call me but every morning at 6:00am he does. He's all like "My Kidney's this and my Kidney's that" then he's all "My parents this my parents that" then he's all like "Conrad Bain touched this and Conrad touched that" I get it Gary you had a great life. Not everyone is as lucky as you so why do I have to hear it every day. I know you guys may be worried Gary will read this and get mad. Don't worry I am going to put this post at the top of the blog so it will be too high for him to see it way up at the top of the monitor. You know the Kenny always thinking.
Sexy Beard OOOOOUUUUTTTT
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
A-Rod
Let me tell you my thoughts on A-rod. I think A-Rod is a damn good looking guy, sure he could lose a few pounds but I like his ego. He's a winner and he knows he's a winner just like the Kenny. I was very surprised at some of the findings in the A-Rod case because I was under the impression that nobody cared about baseball. I know I could give a hot sexy rat's ass about the game.
I would also like to point out that using steroids doesn't really help or hurt anything. I was taking heavy doses of steroids while I was working on my 1989 mega success "Christmas in America" the record turned out fantastic but I can't credit steroids I have to credit my talent, my beard and and my other beard Linda Ronstadt.
If steroids were such a big deal would Arnie be President of California? I don't think so.
If anyone cared about steroids would rassling be watched by 560 million households every Monday night?
If steroids were such a big to do would anyone shop at Kroger? That's were I get my steroided up chicken.
You can hate A-Rod because he's a Giant prick!! Don't hate A-Rod because he's a Giant Prick Cheater. This country was founded and run into the ground by Giant Prick Cheaters!! Go America!
Sexy Beard Out
I would also like to point out that using steroids doesn't really help or hurt anything. I was taking heavy doses of steroids while I was working on my 1989 mega success "Christmas in America" the record turned out fantastic but I can't credit steroids I have to credit my talent, my beard and and my other beard Linda Ronstadt.
If steroids were such a big deal would Arnie be President of California? I don't think so.
If anyone cared about steroids would rassling be watched by 560 million households every Monday night?
If steroids were such a big to do would anyone shop at Kroger? That's were I get my steroided up chicken.
You can hate A-Rod because he's a Giant prick!! Don't hate A-Rod because he's a Giant Prick Cheater. This country was founded and run into the ground by Giant Prick Cheaters!! Go America!
Sexy Beard Out
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